Humperdinck's Revenge
by Random Guise
Summary: We revisit the Grandfather and Grandson years after the movie to learn what became of the characters in the film The Princess Bride. Sure this has adventure, romance, humor, a miracle, sea battles, kidnapping, death, insults and potatoes; what story doesn't? Fully written in 20 chapters and most spelling errors now out. Sorry for the long A/N at the beginning to set the story up.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: One day, while getting ready for one of our random stories, the subject of sequels came up. We both count The Princess Bride among our favorite movies, so it seemed a sequel was a natural for a story theme, and that it would have to be framed as a story within a story. We rolled 18 dice one at a time, making a quick plot point for each chapter. We then worked to fill in the connecting narrative over the following weeks and found that the work expanded the story greatly, even requiring two extra chapters and dice to finish it off. Trust us; these stories are much shorter when we do them verbally. It wasn't until the story was being written fully that the idea occurred to post it on a fan fiction site when completed. To be fair we have not read any fan fiction stories until after this is published. That being said, the odds are great there is SOME duplication of ideas with previously written stories by other authors; there are only so many feasible ways that sequel story lines can go. In cases of duplication we acknowledge that others got the idea first, so congratulations.**

 **We're still getting used to the format changes while uploading content, so you may see an occasional miss on bold or italic type. Sorry about that, we ARE getting better.**

 **Of course there is the usual disclaimer; the characters and settings from the original movie do not in any way belong to us, but have been used as a basis for a sequel strictly for non-commercial entertainment, a story comprising 20 chapters.**

 **Walter White and Craig Shamphan**

* * *

Humperdinck's Revenge

 _"I'm here to visit my grandfather in room 212" said the gangling youth with a hint of goatee as he leaned a bit over the counter of the nurses' station. "Is he in his room right now?"_

 _The nurse from the rehabilitation center tapped a few keys on her computer and pulled up a spreadsheet. "He should be. He isn't scheduled for therapy until 3." With a few more taps she pulled up the care notes and frowned slightly. "You might be able to do us a favor" she continued with lowered voice as if plotting a conspiracy. "He seems to be recovering physically from his fall injuries, but he isn't very interested in doing much. He's cordial enough, but he hardly eats and isn't very enthusiastic about getting up and out. It would be great if you could cheer him up and maybe get him interested in getting better again."_

 _"I can try" said the grandson, "but he can be a stubborn man. The last time I saw him was before his accident, but I brought something that might help." He patted a binder under his arm._

 _The nurse smiled. "That would be good. Photo albums always seem to interest older people. Go on in and say hello" she said as she pointed down the hall to indicate the direction of the room._

 _He walked to the room and took a step inside and saw that the nearer bed was empty. With the partitioning curtain pulled half-way out he could only see feet lying in the far bed. He knocked on the door frame. "Grandpa?"_

 _There was a pause, followed by "That sounds like my grandson. Come on in kid." He walked to the foot of the bed and quickly surveyed the area. His grandfather was thinner than the last time they talked, and his skin seemed to be a little paler. A tray beside the bed held a lunch that hadn't been eaten, a word search magazine with the wrapper still on, and a book. THE book. Well-worn pages from many turnings, a cover faded from the sun and probably some grime from more than one generation of readers' hands. The visitor bent over and hugged his grandfather, and pulled back. The grandfather reached up to his cheek and he instinctively tensed, but the touch was a gentle pat and not the pinch of his youth. They both smiled and the grandson sat down beside the bed._

 _They exchanged pleasantries for a few minutes before the grandson decided to spring his surprise. "I've been doing some research at the university and came across this story that I thought you might be interested in." He pulled out the binder whose cover bore the title_ Humperdinck's Revenge, a story by S. Morgenstern _. He held it up while his grandfather found his glasses and put them on._

 _"There isn't any such story" said the grandfather incredulously, "otherwise I would have read it long ago. That binder is empty, but it was a nice try."_

 _"It isn't empty at all; there's a real story here that I've already read" said the grandson. He opened the cover and flipped through the pages to show proof there was content. "I was going to read it to you, but I can just take it back to the university..."_

 _"Now wait! If you've gone to the trouble of bringing it you might as well read it. Probably doesn't even have anything to do with the book. Just let me get comfortable." The grandfather shifted his pillow to lie against and sighed. "This way when the story bores me I can fall asleep without getting a stiff neck. Okay, let's hear this so-called story."_

 _Both settled in and the grandson began to read..._

Chapter 1

Inconceivable.

Vizzini always used that word thought Inigo as he shook his head. But as he looked around at the richly appointed furnishings of his sitting room, he was tempted to use the word to describe his life now six months retired from life as the Dread Pirate Roberts. So much had changed during his three years as the captain of the pirate ship _Revenge_. Maybe it wasn't inconceivable, but it certainly was unexpected.

He had learned how to swim; a good skill for a pirate who spent his days on the water. One simply couldn't walk to shore if the ship had trouble.

He had become even better with the sword. Using a sword designed for his hand instead of the 6-fingered design of his father, his skill had finally (if somewhat marginally) surpassed Westley's. At least he could take three of five matches; Westley was still very good with a blade.

Out of necessity he had lost his Spanish accent. The Dread Pirate Roberts wasn't supposed to have an accent and he had trained himself to talk without one. Now his voice said he was from nowhere.

He hadn't had a drink in over three years. A drunken pirate was soon a dead pirate.

He had two "Pirate of the Year" plaques on his wall. The one year he came in second was to someone named Billy "Auric" Mann.

He had more wealth than he even knew existed as a poor child growing up. His father had been a great craftsman but never had anything to show for it except his tools.

And he was lonely; the loneliness born of spending too much time being bored with nothing to do and no one to do it with.

Not the loneliness of an empty house though. He employed a few people to assist with the upkeep of his large house overlooking a bay in the kingdom of Guilder. Even it couldn't contain all the treasures both here and abroad that his former profession had gained him. No, these past years had gotten him everything a man needed except for two things.

Family and friends.

It had been nearly two years since he had last seen Westley and Buttercup, and almost that long for Fezzik. The life of a pirate didn't lend itself to long or frequent visits with friends; you couldn't just sail up in a pirate ship and suggest that everyone go see a play. Likewise they certainly couldn't come see him "at work" on the seas. At best he occasionally sent or received notes from them to keep up on news. Other news, like Humperdinck's accent to the throne upon his father's death was picked up from villagers when he or members of his crew visited land.

From outside his home a noise grew steadily, almost like the approaching sound of thunder. Inigo snapped out of his thoughts and rose to walk to a window facing the flat lands behind his house. The sound grew louder, and he identified it as the sound of horses approaching across the ground. A glance out the window showed a large group of soldiers approaching from a forest that lay between his house and the northern lands of Florin. As they got closer the moonlight showed by their uniforms that they were in fact from Florin, and as they crossed the

[dice: bridge]

the racket of the hooves drove the soldiers into quicker action as they galloped toward Inigo's house. He hesitated but a moment as he grabbed his sword and dashed out the back door. Too many to fight, he ran to a set of small stairs hidden in the cliff's side and climbed down to the beach. There, he squeezed into a small cave whose entrance was hidden with roots and underbrush. He waited while his ears took in the sound of the soldiers ransacking his home; much later it was the sound of the crackling flames that burned, melted or scorched whatever the soldiers failed to take. When no sounds remained hours later, Inigo carefully left the cave and climbed up the stairs to find the remains of his house. Stuck in the ground was a stake with note attached:

 **I have sworn revenge on those who ruined my plans.  
Although you survive, I have taken all that you have  
gained since my humiliation. When next we meet  
I shall take your life.**

 **-HUMPERDINCK**

Inigo reflected on the note. It wasn't nice to take something that didn't belong to you. Then he thought of his career in piracy. Well okay, it still wasn't nice but at least he'd gotten out of the business. But the threat to his life was something else entirely.

Inigo returned to the beach and pulled out a canoe hidden in the cave. I have lived the life seeking revenge, and I have known release from it he thought; but there comes a point when one has to make a stand. He slipped the canoe into the water and looked to the north from where the soldiers had appeared. But I won't do it alone. It's time to look up some old friends.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

After looking to the north, Inigo turned to the south and paddled along the shore of Guilder. A faint glow over the land towards the east hinted at the promise of a new day with the approaching sunrise. In the increasing light Inigo looked over the contents of his canoe. His sword he rescued from his house before it was reduced to a pile of ash, some dried food for provisions, a few clothes and a blanket that moved. A blanket that shouldn't have been moving! Inigo slowly reached for his sword, pointing it at the offending covering.

"I don't wish to bother you whoever you are, but you don't have a ticket for this trip." No response followed his comment, so with the tip of his sword he carefully hooked the edge of the blanket and flung it aside with a flick of his wrist. A

[dice: monkey]

was revealed who stopped in mid-chew on the dried fruit he had found. As the two stared at each other, the monkey returned to eating the fruit.

"You weren't invited along on this trip, but since you are here we may as well get to know each other. Allow me to introduce myself; my name is Inigo Montoya." The monkey chattered and barked. Inigo decided to continue. "You don't say; it is good to meet you. Do you mind if I call you Bosen? You sound a bit like a man who used to work for me on the _Revenge_." Inigo paused for a few minutes thinking of his former profession on the waters. A smile came on his face as a thought occurred. "Have you ever been to Somewhere Bosen? It's a small island that lies between Guilder and Florin. It's almost nowhere, but it does provide a nice safe base for a lonely ship to safely spend time for repairs and provisioning. Oddly enough it appears on no maps, and no one seems to know about it except those that have sailed on the _Revenge_. It isn't far, and I should be able to find a friend there that I'm sure you'll like." Judging his position from the landmarks lit by the morning sun, he turned toward the west and aimed for a small shape on the horizon; Somewhere Island.

With strong steady strokes and a tide that was in his favor, Inigo approached the island while telling Bosen his life story. Before reaching the natural harbor he was able to see the distinctive colors of the stern of the _Revenge_. He continued until beaching his canoe on the shore, where he waded ashore with Bosen on his shoulder as he walked to the point nearest the _Revenge_. He waited in plain site until he saw someone on the deck and hailed "Ahoy _Revenge_ , my compliments to the captain!"

The sailor on board shouted back "And just who are you that would complement the scourge of the seas that captains this ship?"

"An old businessman with salt in his blood, and see to it that you deliver the message just that way." The sailor frowned, but disappeared below deck and Inigo continued to wait while he looked over the ship. Much the same as he had left her, although she was sporting some new yardage in the rigging. Shortly another sailor emerged on the deck with plain but neat clothes, long flowing hair, and of a build entirely unlike what you'd expect from a pirate captain. Recognizing the man on shore, the captain smiled and shouted "And what would an old businessman have to discuss with me?"

"I heard you don't have a monkey so I thought I'd sell you one," said Inigo "they come in very handy climbing around the rigging."

"Come aboard sir and welcome to the _Revenge_. I'll be in my cabin." A few sailors who had come on deck to see what the noise was about snickered; a steely glance from the captain wiped the smiles from their faces as they suddenly remembered it would be better for their health to mind their own business.

Inigo made his way over the long gangplank that led from shore to ship, and with a familiar feel made his way aft to the captain's cabin, pausing only to knock before being bid to enter. Inside he had a feeling that might have been described as _déjà vu_ , except that he had spent nearly three years living in this very cabin as the Dread Pirate Roberts. The fixtures were the same although a few things had changed. Different linens on the bed, brighter rugs on the floor, a newer map on the wall, and what appeared to be some type of wealth chart posted on another wall. Oh, and now there was the small matter that the current resident was a woman!

"Roberts" said the captain.

"Roberta" said the old businessman.

They both broke into smiles and embraced for a few moments. Stepping back, Inigo looked over his former protégé. "You look well Contessa; the monkey suits you." While hugging, Bosen had jumped ship from Inigo to Contessa's shoulder. " If I understand your chart, soon it shall be your turn to retire. Have you picked a replacement yet?"

"No Inigo, I just haven't found the right person yet. It hasn't been easy being the Dread Pirate Roberta; I tend to scare away any prospective replacements. However did you pick me anyway? You always told me that men had held the captaincy of the ship."

"They did until you took over. I don't know why, but when I saw you trying to clear out that tavern in Haypenne I had a strange feeling in my stomach and thought it a sign."

"I wasn't trying to clear out the tavern, I WAS clearing it out. I didn't need your help, and I suspect that feeling in your gut was the old knife wound from Count Rugen." Inigo winced at the thought of the injury that would have felled him if it were not for the drive to avenge his father's murder. "But you're right, I am almost finished building my fortune, although the process has been slowing lately and I've adjusted my goal downward out of discouragement. France and Spain have become more aggressive in their fight against piracy and set a few traps that I barely escaped; even Florin has chased me recently. I've had to be a lot more selective with my raids. How have you been?"

Inigo sat and for some time talked of his life. Although he had picked and trained Contessa Zamora to be the new Dread Pirate, he hadn't revealed much of his younger life to her, instead focusing on skills she would need in her new profession. He included the recent turn of events and his flight from his home to bring her up to date. "I had to flee somewhere, so to Somewhere I fled. I have wealth elsewhere, but it will difficult to enjoy if I have to keep looking over my shoulder for Humperdinck."

"What can you do? He seems to be a thorn in both our sides, a thorn we could do without." She paused in consideration before continuing. "It would seem WE have a problem, and knowing you I suspect you've already got an idea about what to do."

"I tried discussing it a bit with Bosen but he kept his opinion to himself."

"I won't be afraid to tell you what I think. I'll order some food and you can bounce your ideas off me. Sorry the stove in the galley isn't lit, we'll have to make do with cold cuts."

"That's okay" grinned Inigo, "there's an old pirate saying: 'The Revenge's best dish is served cold'."

Contessa frowned. "That's not how it goes!" she said, her face changing to a smirk as she got it.

 _"Why are you stopping now?" asked the grandfather as the binder closed. "That couldn't be the end of the story; there's no resolution and it left off with a cliffhanger. There's a lot more pages in there!"_

 _"I have to go now Grandpa" said the grandson. "You've got therapy in five minutes and I have to get to class at 3:30. It sounds like you're interested in the story at least; maybe next time we'll need a few more snacks." The fruit cup and crackers were gone as the grandfather had eaten them without even noticing while being wrapped up in the story._

 _"You'll read me more of it? Tomorrow? Can you sneak in a couple of your mom's cookies too?"_

 _The grandson bent down and hugged his grandfather. "Tomorrow I'll have to come after your morning therapy. Hurry up and get done with it and we'll get some more story read; maybe we'll encounter Humperdinck next. Can't guarantee the cookies but we'll see. Love you, see you tomorrow."_

 _As he passed by the nurses' station on the way out, he saw the same nurse he had talked to on the way in. "I'll be back tomorrow; I think I cheered him up a bit" he said with a smile as he disappeared around the corner._

 _The following day the grandson returned and made his way to the nurses' station. He recognized the woman behind the desk as the same one he had spoken to the day before. She in turn recognized him and smiled. She motioned him over and said "Whatever you did sure seemed to work. He's eating his food and was actually eager to get his physical therapy done this morning. He should be back in his room by now." The grandson thanked her and walked to the room, briefly knocking before entering._

 _"There's my grandson! Did you bring the story?" The binder was held up for inspection. "Did you manage the cookies?" he added in a lowered voice. A bag appeared out of his coat pocket and four cookies emerged; two for the grandfather and two for the grandson. "That's perfect. I need something to get me to lunch; they never give you enough food around here. Now give me a hug and let's get on with that story." Hugs were exchanged, the grandson sat and the story continued._


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Fezzik stood before the hushed crowd and cleared his throat. His throat didn't really need clearing, but he did so to give himself a little more time before starting. A mountain of a man with a prodigious appetite to match, only those who knew him well actually knew that inside he was rather shy. During his fighting and strength exhibitions he donned the mantle of an actor playing the part of a great warrior, but his true personality was quite gentle. That is why this performance was so important to him now. He began:

"There was a girl named Nan Tuckett,"

The crowd stirred. Fezzik had chosen quite a controversial start to his performance.

"Who for dinner served chicken in a bucket;"

Nervous ladies in the audience started to fan themselves as the possible rhyming scheme unfolded.

"Said her husband to his spouse

You've stunk up the whole house"

The people were on the edge of their seats now, and more than a few brows were wiped in worry.

"Next time before cooking you should just…pluck it!"

Everyone jumped to their feet with a cheer as pandemonium reigned in the Community Hall of Nrrr. After a few minutes the shouts of astonishment and congratulations had died down to the point where the mayor was able to made a statement. "Citizens of Nrrr, it is with great satisfaction that I present to you our newest member, Fezzik Petra." Mayor Conrad turned toward the audience which was packed standing room only into the village's main meeting room.

"I notice some people out there that are new to our village. For their sake let me describe our honoree tonight. Fezzik came to us two years ago, without a coin in his pocket but a willingness to work and a heart as big as his...appetite!" Many in the crowd laughed, including Fezzik. "This mountain of a man soon endeared himself to our village with gentle humor, great strength and as it turned out, a gift of rhyme. We may not have the only poet-blacksmith in all the world; certainly we have the best! It is with great satisfaction that tonight I bestow Fezzik with his ceremonial cap of citizenship. Before I do, I ask everyone here tonight to put on theirs."

Many in the audience reached into pockets or handbags for their own headwear which they quickly donned. Although all were knitted caps, no two hats were the same, as they all displayed various colors and depictions of objects; the chairman himself had a white chicken woven into his. "Our newest arrivals to our village may well wonder what these caps represent. When a person wants to live in our village, they go through a two year probationary period where we see if they will fit in our community. At the end of that time if they still want to live among us, and have shown themselves to be of good character, we welcome them as full citizens and mark the occasion with a little party and the presentation of their personal cap. This cap signifies an achievement, accomplishment or noteworthy event associated with that person. I was fortunate to have bred some outstanding chickens that made their way to the table of our King of Haypenne. Hence, the chicken design on my cap. Our treasurer Mark drank a double pint of ale while standing on his head so he gets two upside down beer mugs on his. I don't want to make my speech too long…"

Several people in the audience shouted versions of "Too late!"

"…but as mayor it is my job to use any opportunity to talk about our village. As a tradition of our village, it is considered good manners for those who don't know to ask the recipient the story behind the cap at a later time; this not only gives the storyteller a chance to exaggerate (wink wink) but also encourages our citizens to grow closer together." The mayor turned back to Fezzik. "Fezzik, if you would be kind and bend down please."

Fezzik bowed his head low so that the mayor could place the huge cap on his head. He stood back up and faced the crowd. On his head was a

[dice: multicolored cap]

marked with lines of squiggles, loops and odd combinations of letters. The top line was readable and said "Welcome to our peaceful village of Nrrr." The crowd cheered again and Fezzik stepped off the small stage and made his way through the crowd and out the back of the hall. In the nighttime air he walked over to a large stone bench under a window outside the hall, sat down and removed the cap. As his eyes took in the design on the cap, a woman walked over and sat beside him while putting an arm around his waist. Although a head and a half shorter than Fezzik, it was a good thing the bench was made of stone for if he was described as a mountain of a man (and he was), she certainly qualified as an exceptionally tall hill. At least a hill wearing her own cap, adorned with the image of a sheep. They both fingered the material of Fezzik's cap and didn't notice the man standing a few feet away in the shadows.

"You know Fezzik, with all the power of his mind Vizzini never had and could never have such an achievement. Well done my eloquent friend..." he said drawing out the last word.

Fezzik jumped up with surprising speed. "Our old boss…no longer has days to spend."

Inigo stepped into the light. "We've gone on to make our own life..."

Fezzik closed the gap between them. "Now you've come to meet my wife!" Fezzik grabbed Inigo in a great hug that, while breaking no bones, did cause the Spaniard to temporarily lose his breath, blood circulation and the use of his left arm for a minute.

"Fezzik, I think you are stronger now than when I saw you last" Inigo wheezed as his body hurried to renew its relationship with the oxygen his friend had so recently squeezed out. "And your reflexes are much quicker, at least based on how fast you jumped off that bench."

"After my fight with Westley, I figured it was time to actually start exercising. I lost a little weight, got stronger, and I can move a lot better."

"I'll say he can move better" said the woman as she walked up beside Fezzik, "he can almost get away from me when I ask him to do chores now." She pinched Fezzik on the arm. "You have to be Inigo!" Before he a chance to back away, she had him in a crushing hug as well. Inigo thought briefly that he might die before Humperdinck had a chance to kill him, but the hug was released before he completely lost consciousness. "I'm Greta" she said, looking down at him from her height advantage. "Fezzik has told me so much about you."

Obviously not how fragile I am, thought Inigo. As way of polite introduction he asked about the cap on her head. "Oh this thing" she said, "My family had an injured sheep out in the field and I carried it into town to be looked at by the animal doctor. It made quite an impression on a few people, and well…" she blushed "…the story got passed around until I became 'Greta the Sheep Carrier'. You would think I'd be known for my great sewing skills, but the citizens liked the sheep story better when it came cap time. The trip into town was the first time Fezzik saw me too."

"Was he impressed?" asked Inigo.

"Yes" said Fezzik, "but I didn't let her know that right away. I asked her 'You are only carrying one full-grown sheep?' when I saw her. It wasn't until we started dating that I let her know that the sheep carry was only one of the things about her that impressed me. "

"And what is the story behind your cap Fezzik? I can read some of the writing on it, but the other stuff makes no sense to me."

Fezzik explained. On the edge of town was a large rounded rock on the side of a hill. Early in the town's history someone had written "Welcome to our peaceful village of Nrrr." Over time visitors had written the same message below in the native tongues of their lands. It became well known as the Welcome Rock of Nrrr. One day years ago, a local girl named Rosetta was hanging around the rock when, due to recent rains, it became loose and rolled off the hill to land on the road. Citizens rushed to the rock but could not find the girl; the only trace was her shawl beside the rock. Fearing she was crushed beneath, their fears were only reinforced when she wasn't seen again by her family or anyone in the village and no one could move the stone to check underneath. In memory of the event, the rock was renamed the 'Rosetta Memorial Stone' (later shortened to 'Rosetta Stone') and due to its large size remained on the side of the roadway were it had rolled. After Fezzik had moved to the village, he had come to know Rosetta's family; feeling as though they needed closure, with great strength (and a handy tree trunk) he shifted the rock off the spot revealing absolutely nothing underneath. The tragedy turned into a mystery that was only solved a year later when a traveling minstrel was on his way to Rexicoricophalvitorius from Nrrr and found that Rosetta had in fact run off to elope to the village of Frrr and used the incident as a cover. Regardless, Fezzik's moving of the rock cemented his reputation as a strong man and became his best known story. As such the cap symbolized the Rosetta Stone that he had moved.

"So Inigo, enough of our dull lives and talk of things to put on your head. What have you been doing lately? The last letter I got from you said you were going to retire soon. "

"I did retire my friend, after training my replacement. That was probably the best part of being the Dread Pirate Roberts. Now she captains the _Revenge_. But things have happened since then and that is why I am here."

"SHE?" asked Fezzik. "Pull up that stump and tell me about it." Inigo didn't pull up the stump, but sat upon it and launched into his story about the last year of his life. After a while, as he wound down from his tale he noticed the sky starting to brighten off in the distance. "Look, I've talked all through the night and the sun will be up shortly" he said as he pointed off toward the dull glow.

"The sun doesn't come up in that direction" said Fezzik with alarm, "it's a fire!" All three hurried down the street to join the gathering crowd of village people at the edge of town. Fezzik's blacksmith shop was aflame from top to bottom, with little to do but to watch it burn and make sure the embers didn't catch anything else on fire. A neighbor handed Fezzik a note that was left on a tree nearby:

 **I've come to exact revenge,  
On the life you do forge;  
Your life's end now depend,  
A finish you simply cannot dodge.**

 **-HUMPERDINCK**

"Bad poetry" said Inigo.

"Not very sportsmanlike" said Fezzik.

"Fezzik, I'm going to put a stop to this before someone gets dead or worse" said Inigo. "Care to join me?"

"Count me in, if it's okay with you Greta" said Fezzik, turning to his wife.

"Count US in. Anything I can do to help?" asked Greta with a playful glint in her eye.

Inigo thought for a few minutes. "Just how good are you and your friends at sewing?"

"We can sew like the wind" said Greta with a bit of pride.

"That is more appropriate than you know" said Inigo. "I know a pirate with a ship..."

" _I really don't believe that Humperdinck would go around burning things down" said the grandfather. "He's not the type. He might tell someone else to do it, but I don't think he'd dirty his hands with that kind of job."_

 _"You'll find out tomorrow. Same time?"_

 _"You bet kid. Bring some more of those cookies if you can. I don't think you could sneak in a cake otherwise I'd ask. See you tomorrow."_


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Inigo paced back and forth beside the burned-out shop as he filled in Fezzik and Greta on his idea. On one pass his toe kicked something in the dirt. He stooped down and picked up a flat metallic disk only slightly larger than a coin. Featureless on one side, the other bore a somewhat crudely stamped

[dice: large eye]

that appeared to be bloodshot. He turned to Fezzik. "Fezzik, where did you get this? I think there was one of these on the ground at my house too."

Fezzik studied the disk with the practiced look of a blacksmith. "I've never seen it before. I don't think it is a coin or jewelry. No writing or holes for stringing. It wasn't forged in this shape; the design has been struck, probably with a hammer and stamp. I don't like the look the eye is giving me though." Fezzik handed the disk back to Inigo.

"Somebody is dropping these, either on accident or purpose. The design is strange to me, and I have no clue what it might mean. Who's the smartest person in your village?"

"I think this comes from somewhere far from this village Inigo. We need someone who has seen a lot more of the world. If you were going to see Westley and Buttercup after here, we can make a stop on the way. Miracle Max still lives not far from them, and he's had a lot of learning and he's traveled a lot too. "

So Fezzik kissed Greta goodbye, and Inigo gave her instructions on her sewing project. Fezzik gathered up a few basic smithing tools and what looked like lunch for a small regiment and, along with Inigo made his way back to where Inigo's small boat lay waiting. They pushed off and headed south.

South of Haypenne laid the country of Inti. The country itself consisted of a mainland and numerous islands of various sizes and shapes, some joined by occasional land bridges depending on storm and tide. No one truly knew all the islands, and few knew most. Even Governor Elaine Marley who ruled the country couldn't claim to know each one. From his pirate days Inigo knew many of them, and his flat-bottomed boat made easy work of the sometimes shallow passages. Their first stop was an island very near the mainland called Big Island in a fit of descriptive genius.

Soon enough they had grounded their boat beside a small pier, where a path led up from the water's edge to a clearing on the edge of a grove of trees. Quite a few houses and huts were scattered around the clearing that made up the island's main village, and a few could be glimpsed just inside the trees. Any question as to which building was their destination was dispelled by a large sign over one of the house's doors that read "Max's".

Fezzik walked up to the door and knocked gently, although gently for Fezzik almost amounted to the pounding of a normal person. "Alright alright" came the reply from inside along with the sounds of various items being moved about. The voice drew closer. "Don't break down the door! Hold your horses, although why anyone would bring a horse here is beyond me. Now what is so…"

Max threw open the door and walked out to confront the person who was disturbing his peace only to walk straight into Fezzik. "….important that…what? I've gone blind!" Max stood with his face buried in Fezzik's massive chest. "Hello Max" said Fezzik with a smile as he looked down on his friend.

Max took a step back and looked up at Fezzik, then over at Inigo. "Almost as bad" he said. "Don't tell me, you need another miracle? And what are you going to pay me with this time, sand? Maybe you want me to pay YOU for the work!"

"Max!" yelled a woman who walked into the room, "don't say such things. If it wasn't for them you'd still be stuck scratching out a living in Florin. Come on in boys, make yourselves comfortable." Fezzik and Inigo thanked Valerie, entered the house and looked around. The room had a few tables, several chairs, and a desk with papers and books stacked in a few piles. Various shelves held bottles, bowls and piles of assorted ingredients. In a window sill sat a candle with a clear backdrop of a leg or boot. Max caught Inigo looking at the candle and explained that it was 'a major award' from an apothecary guild in Italy.

"But I could go on about me all day" said Max. "And he often does" half-whispered Valerie. "Enough! I have to keep my reputation up, how else are people going to hear about me? Now, what brings you gentlemen, and did you bring money this time?" Inigo opened a pouch and laid out on the desk some coins with large numbers on them. Max scooped them up and examined the coins; satisfied, he sat down in his chair by the desk and said "NOW you have my attention."

Fezzik spoke. "Max, we came across this disk and don't know what it is. I thought with all the things you know that you might have an idea what it is." He handed the disk over to Max, who eagerly took it and set to study it. It only took a moment before some of the color drained from his face as he uttered "Oy. I think I better sit down."

"Max, you are already sitting" Inigo added helpfully.

"I am? Maybe I should lay down then" he added shakily. His eyes got a far off look as he stared across the room to nowhere.

Valerie took the coin from Max and looked at it before sighing. "Andy" she said. Max nodded.

"Who is Andy?" asked Inigo.

"Andy Night Wolf" answered Valerie. "He was…"

"…was a young boy from Florin City" continued Max. "I first noticed him while he was running in the cart races. You know, where the boys pull the carts in a race around a track? I tell you, not only could that boy run but he could talk the scales off a fish! He got the great idea to earn money by having local shop owners pay to put their names on his cart. One man was my root supplier, and another man that brewed beer and ales. I tell you, seeing that ANW Root/Beer Special race around the track was something else. But those races were dangerous. You could pull muscles, break bones, smash toes; it wasn't pretty and almost everyone got hurt or worse if they played long enough. His mother didn't like the danger and wanted a safer life for him, so that root shop man sent him to me and I took him on as an apprentice to be an apothecary. Not only could he talk, he was SMART. He picked up on everything real quick. After he learned everything I taught him he started doing his own studies." Here Max lost his smile and sadness came over his face.

"An apothecary is there to help the people" Valerie carried on. "Their illness, their suffering, these are the enemies that Max has made his miracles to fight. But Andy saw differently. He felt that this knowledge could be put to use for those with the power to properly reward him regardless of how his creations were used. He made friends with the wrong people when he started hanging out regularly at a tavern near the castle."

Inigo remembered. He had passed out behind that tavern a few times when he was heavy into drink.

"One of those friends introduced him to Count Rugen who took a liking to the kid and encouraged him to continue his studies, showing him ways that his talents could be used to further the needs of the court. More specifically Prince Humberdinck. It was only a matter of time before…"

"…before Rugen met me at the main arch of the castle one day and says 'Consider yourself fired'. Just like that. Just the thought makes me want to spit." Max started to do just that but stopped short when Valerie gave him a sharp look. "If Andy wasn't so ambitious or if Rugen didn't have a cruel streak it might have been different. Maybe if I hadn't taught him…who knows? What's done is done."

After he fell silent and showed no signs of continuing Fezzik asked "But what is this eye thing?"

"Oh" said Max, "it's like his business announcement. I told you he was smart and this was an idea he had to build his reputation. When he finished a job he handed out this eye symbol as a reminder that his was the skill that solved the problem or finished the job. I'm afraid his ego has grown along with his apothecary skills. He helped Rugen with items in his Pit of Despair and I wouldn't be surprised if he was Humperdinck's right hand man now."

"We seem to have missed out on a lot of goings on in Florin" Inigo told Fezzik. "I really wouldn't care except Humperdinck seems to be a bad loser. I think we need to go get Westley and make up a plan. Max, here are a few more coins. We may need your skills in the future." Inigo tossed the coin bag with its remaining coins into Max's lap.

"For your dispatching of Rugen you already have my admiration and thanks" Max said as he hefted the bag in his hand. "But a man has worldly needs. For this you'll have my skills for as long as you need them. Just not before sunrise, I like to sleep in when I can."

Fezzik and Inigo rose and walked out of the house. Inigo smiled. "I don't know if or when we'll need your help, but be ready just in case. Fezzik! We have a tide to catch."

"Goodbye boys, say hello to Buttercup for me!" shouted Max. He turned to Valerie. "She was a nice girl. Probably should get married to that mostly dead fellow."

"They did get married Max! We went to the wedding!"

"Oh yeah…"


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

The tide really wasn't going anywhere for several hours, but Inigo wanted the moment to sound dramatic. Fezzik didn't really care; his thoughts were a jumble of Greta, Max and of their next destination. They boarded their boat again and resumed their journey. On his first visit years before Westley had furnished Inigo with a crude map; although it had burned in the fire that destroyed his house Inigo had committed it to memory and had no problems finding his way to the small island set near the seaward edge of the archipelago. South from Big Island, left at Island Island, right at Treasureless Island, around Monkey Island and south again between Nublara and Doon until at last AsUWish Island stood in your way. A lone tall peak near the center of the island cast its shadow over many trees. Inigo aimed his boat toward an inlet on one side and came to rest near a flat-topped rock. He jumped atop the rock with a mooring rope and wound it round a very handy outcrop before helping Fezzik up.

Atop the rock, they could see a cold pile of soot and ashes on the ground below along with a few recently lit torches. From the marks on the ground many men had walked around the area of the pile. A large group of

[dice: footsteps]

led away toward the trees while two smaller groups of footsteps returned to the ashes from the left and right waterfronts. Inigo gave a questioning look to Fezzik, who surveyed the situation as well. "I think we should follow the big group of footprints and see where they lead. It looks like two smaller groups came together, burned Westley's boat, and headed toward the trees to find his house." Inigo agreed and together they set off to follow where the crowd had gone, a straight line toward the nearest trees.

Inigo and Fezzik knew that the direction the steps were taking was not the way to Westley's house. Although the trees around the beach all looked similar, they all became closer together and thicker the further into the grove you walked until passage was virtually impossible. Only one path led through the natural fence of the trees called tanglefoot, and few people knew it. Most would give up hope long before discovering the path, concluding that another part of the shoreline must be the way. However, this island was chosen very much because there were no other points on the shoreline that led into the interior of the island. Formidable rocks and groves of tanglefoot circled the island.

The two had followed the footsteps only about a hundred feet when the large group of prints split off into two smaller groups that headed in different directions. Fezzik took the path to the left and Inigo the path to the right. Both trails led close to the trees, then circled back toward the beach in opposite directions. Both men ended up meeting each other again by the pile of ashes.

"The men burned their own boat?" suggested Fezzik with a shrug.

"It would have been a lot easier if they had" said a voice behind them. Turning they saw Westley reclined on the rock watching them. "As it turned out, I'm afraid they had an unfortunate accident. It seems they were carrying some flammable material very unsafely and it caught fire. Pity, it was quite crowded with them all squeezed together into their remaining boat as they left rather hastily."

"Well, if it isn't my good friend Westley Trulove" said Inigo as he shook hands with the descending Westley, "Fezzik and I were trying to understand what is going on with the footprints." Fezzik was careful not to squeeze Westley too hard as he hugged him.

"Oh that. My early warning system let me know there was somebody sailing here. As a precaution, I made a set of footprints for them to follow that led around back to the mooring rock, then walking in my own footsteps I repeated the loop but split off in the other direction, making it look like one person had gone two different ways. I waited from a distance and watched while two boats of men came ashore. They were carrying torches and some small round pots and started to follow my trail. While they were gone I looked over their boat and used an extra torch to set off some of their fire making supplies. Afterward I hid behind the mooring rock and waited for them to loop around; they came more quickly after they saw their boat on fire. After arguing among themselves for a short time they finally gave up and left in the remaining boat. Someone from the group dropped this on the ground near the trees; I guess they didn't get a chance to use it." It was a note that read:

 **Perhaps I didn't kill you enough when I could,  
But time will provide the opportunity again.  
Let this be a lesson in my version of "To The Pain."**

 **-HUMPERDINCK**

Westley gestured toward the island. "Why don't we make ourselves comfortable back home and catch up on things, gentlemen." Together they started off for the true path that a few minutes later led them to Westley's front…ladder. For his home was not built on the ground but rather in the branches above. With covered rooms, wooden walkways and even a few windows Westley had one of the finest homes in a tree ever built by man. They climbed up the ladder and ducked into the largest of the rooms; Westley reminded Fezzik to stay in the main room where his weight was better supported.

Inside the room looked much like any normal room except for the tree's large trunk in the center and an outside wall that consisted of several angled sections giving the room almost the shape of an octagon. The room itself was furnished much like it had been the last time they were there with only minor changes. They sat about the floor on cushy pillows, except for Westley who sat down on top of a large sagging ball that partially gave under his weight. Westley explained that Buttercup had sewn a large hollow ball and partially filled it with dried beans. It made a comfortable chair, and if bad times came you could always cook the filling and eat it. He was confident the idea would probably catch on sometime.

"I don't get away from the island too often" said Westley, "so I like us to be as comfortable as possible. We've added a bit since you were here last. We've got this main room, two bedrooms, a kitchen and a...storage room." His smile lost much of its radiance on this last statement. He didn't have to say that the storage room was supposed to be a nursery but they had been unable to have a child for the last three years since they'd married. Fezzik had filled Inigo in on the details on their trip to make sure the uncomfortable subject wasn't brought up later. To cover Westley's unease Fezzik spoke.

"Are there any problems living up here instead of the ground?"

"Well, you have to make sure you don't sleep walk" he said with a grin, "and if you leave a window open you'll end up with bird nests in your house. On the other hand I don't have a basement that floods when it rains."

"What is this early warning system you have?"

"There are monkeys living on this island, some of which have gotten used to me and are very friendly. But a few live up on the slope of the central peak and when a ship comes nearby they screech a kind of warning; you might call them my Monkeys Offering Unusual Screeching Eyeing Strangers. My M.O.U.S.E.S. are very handy; you should get one Inigo."

Inigo laughed. "Actually I had one recently, but he abandoned me for a life of piracy. Or at least he ran off with my replacement on the _Revenge_."

"Oh yes, speaking of piracy. I have heard a few stories about the Dread Pirate Roberts. First it was that he hardly kills anyone, and lately that he's…well…not very manly. It seems as though you're not doing the image a lot of good. We may have to change the name to 'The Slightly Annoying Pirate Roberts'."

"I just don't have the stomach for killing after I dispatched Rugen. I certainly developed a talent for injuring, and more than a few times I set people adrift so they couldn't come after me, or sometimes just stranded them on a sandbar, but I am just not cut out to be a long term pirate. Oh, and for the record my replacement IS a woman."

Westley was speechless for a moment. "She must have made quite an impression on you."

"That she did, and since I wanted out she happened to be the best candidate for the job. Although when I talked to her last she seemed to be second-guessing the job too. Maybe we were more alike than I thought. But she knows what is going on and we can count on her support for whatever we do."

Just then Buttercup came in through the door via the walkway. "Ah, two of the three men to whom I owe not only my life but the life of my husband. Welcome to our home gentlemen" she said with a curtsy. Both men stood.

"Hello Buttercup. Are you sure you don't have a twin sister I could marry?" Inigo teased.

"Hello Lady" said Fezzik in his traditional greeting. "Max said to tell you hello when we left him yesterday. He still speaks of you fondly. In fact he's pledged his help to us whenever we need it."

"Max is great once you get past the act he puts on. Good thing Valerie keeps him in line." Buttercup warmly hugged both before returning to Westley's side. "Westley thought that you wouldn't be too far behind our visitors last night. Did they visit you two also?"

Both men sat again and gave a recounting of their experiences with Humperdinck's handiwork.

"I doubt that Humperdinck was in the group" said Westley. "It's not his style and he wasn't in the group that I watched on the beach. I didn't recognize anybody, but since I don't know that many people in Florin City that isn't saying much. Was there anything else in common?"

"We found these at both the fires" Fezzik replied as he handed the disk with the eye to Westley, who looked at it before getting up and walking over to a storage box where he removed an object and brought it back to Fezzik. "Notice something similar on this?" he said handing it to him.

Sure enough, marked on the object was an eye very much like the one on the disk. The object itself seemed to be a round vase or pot made of a thin ceramic and filled with a dark substance. Inigo recognized the smell quickly. "Gunpowder?" he asked.

"Something very much like it. It doesn't explode, but if you threw it at a building that was on fire it would break and spread the flames much more quickly. Well, now that we know what happened, what are we going to do?"

"Fezzik and I have been working on a few ideas. Storming the castle entrance is out of the question, but we could sneak in through the Pit of Despair." Westley cringed. "Okay, maybe not that one. But with most of the castle staff changed since Humperdinck took over, very few people there would recognize us, although Fezzik's size does create a problem. How do you feel about kidnapping?"

Westley thought for a moment. "If you recall, I wasn't too thrilled with the last kidnapping you two participated in." Both Inigo and Fezzik paled at the memory; it had been a different time and they had been duped into thinking it was merely a trick being pulled on the prince rather than one of his own design. Nevertheless they weren't proud of their actions. "Let me give it some thought; maybe we could 'borrow' Humperdinck and convince him to leave us alone. That's really all we want."

And so they talked into the evening; and as many do find, the conversation rarely stayed on topic without veering off on some tangent involving their past lives. But eventually they came to a consensus as to a course of action.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Information was the key.

"Thank you, that will be all." Humperdinck dismissed Captain of the Guard Tu Whitu with a wave of his hand and sat down on his throne.

He considered the latest report and ruminated. Count Rugen knew it all too well. It was his doing to create the spy network that reported on the news from the different kingdoms, not to mention anything of importance happening in Florin. Humperdinck's father had been a naive old man, unaware of the troubles brewing with his neighbors even though his son the prince was well informed. But three years ago there had been a very bad week.

Humperdinck's plan to preemptively start a war with Guilder had gone awry when his fiancé's planned kidnapping had been thwarted and the man hired for the job was killed. No matter, he then had killed Buttercup's true love; but it turned out the man just wouldn't stay dead. Then due to a technicality his marriage wasn't really one, and the back-from-the-dead Westley took Buttercup away from him again. Without the marriage he remained a prince until his father died a year later. And Rugen had gotten himself killed somehow. The captain of the guard and half of his men had quit and refused to work again, claiming a nervous condition. Even the albino was wandering around now with no memory of who he was or of any events before that day.

Humperdinck missed having Rugen around. He had known the man since he was young, and they got along well as long as he ignored the Count's penchant for cruelty. Humperdinck wasn't so much cruel as that he just didn't care too much for people outside his family, and especially outside the castle grounds. Without his long gone younger brother John, Rugen was the closest thing he had to a sibling and friend. It was he who had educated the young prince on just what dangers the other lands posed, and had volunteered to set up the spy network that even now ran on its own headed by the Captain of the Guard Tu. And Rugen had even been the one that found and recruited the new counselor Andy.

"Page! Send for the Court Counselor." The page standing by hurried out of the throne room to fetch the summoned person. Most often Andy could be found in his castle room, which was part living quarters and part laboratory. Actually it was mostly laboratory with only a minimum amount of space begrudged to a small bed and chest of drawers. The remainder of the room was given over to work tables, wash basins and shelves stacked with books and labeled boxes of ingredients. Herbs, roots, minerals and various animal by-products jostled for space along two sides of the room.

It was at the main work table that Andy sat. One of the exotic items from far away Humperdinck had managed to bring was a type of tree sap that could be cooked into something that was softer than metal, wood or stone but held its shape more permanently than wax and would return to its original shape when bent and released. Andy thought it might be good to coat the wheels of the kingdom's carts to soften the ride, but the rough stones of the roads tore through the layer easily. He had tried to make a small cannonball out of the stuff, but it tended to melt when fired, almost like a fire stone but that extinguished itself shortly after leaving the barrel. He picked up the

[dice: round ball]

and threw it across the room toward a waste pile, but missed and the ball struck the stone wall. It ricocheted off the wall, bounced off the desk and finally out the window into the courtyard below. Andy made a notation in his journal: "Not a good year for new cannonball types." He closed the book, revealing a large drawing of an eye on the front cover.

He looked up from his journal as the court page entered and cleared his throat. "His Majesty requests the audience of the Court Counselor."

"Tell his Majesty I shall follow momentarily." As the page left, Andy went about dousing flames and closing containers of liquids. He grabbed writing materials and made his way to the throne room.

He entered the room and came to a stop. "The King's Counselor, by command" he announced.

Humperdinck roused himself from thought. "Come on in Andy." He waved in the direction of an ornate dish by the throne that held numerous dates. "As always, help yourself. I can't stand the things, but they always bring more after you eat the ones that are here. Andy, I've just been given the final report by Tu on our raiding parties. On two of the three raids your new firepots worked very well. Although we didn't manage to kill the people that are inciting those kingdoms to attack us, I'm sure we put quite the scare into them. There was a problem on the last raid though; a small army ambushed our men on the shore and burned one of our boats. I'm told that only through some heroic action on the part of Tu were we able to get all of our men back."

"Most fortunate, your Majesty" replied Andy as he munched on the delicacies, putting in his pocket those in excess of what good manners forbade him to eat at the moment.

"Indeed. Although I am still a little concerned that those traitors still live and will probably lead an invasion against us some day, I think for the moment we are safe. But I've been wondering if there might be a way you can make our kingdom safer. Do you think you could invent some type of communication device that could operate over long distances? It takes too long to send messages by horse, man or ship."

Andy hummed for a few seconds. "I'll give it some thought your Majesty; I think I read about some system much like that in an old text years ago. Do you wish for me to work on it now?"

"You can work it in with your other projects. Anything new to report?"

"No, your Majesty. I've been working on that tree sap compound but haven't found a good use for it yet. I've still working on that idea for a drink that will give our troops extra energy but I'm not happy with the results. It did make a good rug cleaner though."

"Very good, keep up the excellent work. You're always free to come and update me if anything important develops."

"No problem, your majesty. With your leave" he said as he turned and headed out of the throne room to return to his room. Even with so many great projects to work on, he often made excuses to visit the king just to a get a break from his projects. That and the dates, he thought as he chewed on another one.

Not a bad kid, mused Humperdinck. He loved his science. Rugen had said they could appeal to his patriotism to use his talents for the kingdom; giving him a room and resources with which to work was not a problem. Andy seemed very keen on helping make the kingdom a safe place to live in.

The king strolled over to a window to look out towards the sea. He was never overly fond of the water, preferring the sport that land offered instead. Hunting and tracking; now there was something that made the senses sharper! His gaze was drawn down to the courtyard, where some children were squealing as they kicked and threw around a round bouncy object. Enjoy childhood while you can, he thought, things aren't much fun when you grow up.

At that moment a trumpet blew from the castle's watchtower. Humperdinck scanned the horizon and saw a ship in the distance, bow forward as it was heading toward Florin City from the southeast. Humperdinck called for Tu. He didn't know who was on the ship, but he didn't have much time to get ready.

 _"The story is named after Humperdinck and he doesn't show up until Chapter 6?" commented the grandfather. "I was beginning to wonder if he was even alive. But he is a smart operator to not let talent like Andy's to go unused. Isn't it about time for you to get going to class?"_

 _"Yes it is Grandpa" the grandson answered, somewhat questionably. "Trying to get rid of me?"_

 _"Never! I just...ah...well...promised some of the patients here that I'd start reading_ _The Princess Bride_ _to them. You know, none of them know the story? Kind of sad, but I guess I've been talking about it enough some of them are curious. But don't let that stop you from coming in with your story you wrote."_

" _That I wrote?"_

" _Of course you wrote it. Nobody said 'no problem' back then, that's a modern thing. People used to say 'thank you' and 'you're welcome'; call me old-fashioned but I like it that way. But it's still a good story; see you tomorrow kid."_


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

"It's not going to work."

"He won't be fooled at all."

"Oh, he'll swallow the bait just fine" said Westley, countering Fezzik and Inigo. "I know the man better than both of you. It's true that he won't put himself in great danger. But look around you" he said as he turned around and swept his arm around the whole deck of the _Revenge_ , "and tell me this looks dangerous. Remember what she used to look like."

Inigo compared the _Revenge's_ appearance to her old self. Greta and her crew had done wonders with the sails. All were now trimmed in a bright red lacy border, with a large sun as the central design on the largest sails. It looked nothing like a pirate ship; rather, it had a look that could have been from a land far away. On the main deck stood a

[dice: tent]

dressed up in similar colors with a small sun-adorned flag atop fluttering in the breeze. Although there was no time to paint the whole ship, much of the important trim had been spruced up and only the best ropes, barrels and tools remained above deck. Two polished cannons were pointed toward the center of the ship, and colorful ribbons brightened other areas.

"No" Westley continued, "he'll believe it because he WANTS to believe it. He may be a bit paranoid about other kingdoms, but the idea that a mysterious land south of the great sea has heard of the great Florin will be more than he can stand. No my friends, the trick will be getting him to stay on the ship for our plan. I think he'll at least want to step foot on her, but we need to convince him to stay on board. We'll have to work on his pride or vanity, whichever will work. I think it best if Fezzik and I go into the cabin before we're spotted; with no accent and your hair cut shorter he won't recognize you Inigo. We'll leave the door open a crack and be within earshot, but to communicate we'll have to use a crew member. Remember to use your new limp Inigo, and please remember to call the ship the _Intrepid_. I don't think we can get out of this thing alive if they figure it out while we're still at anchor. Contessa, your beard is slipping a little."

Contessa checked her fake facial hair, smearing the gum and pressing it tightly on again. Fezzik put a mighty hand on Inigo's shoulder. "Be careful Inigo. If Humperdinck discovers your identity, he'll have you killed. Rest assured he will die at my hands shortly after."

"Thank you my friend" answered Inigo patting Fezzik on the chest. "But if it's all the same to you I'd rather all of us come out of this alive." Fezzik followed Westley through the door and out of sight. "Okay everyone" announced Inigo loudly to everyone on deck, "the performance begins. What land are we from?"

"SOLARUS!" yelled the crew.

"What language do you speak?"

"SOLARIAN!"

"That's right! So shut up when the king is here; if you have to talk, say only a few words in a funny accent and use your hands a lot. It's showtime!"

And Westley was right, after the _Intrepid_ nee _Revenge_ anchored offshore of Florin's harbor and sent a boat out announcing themselves and bearing gifts, Humperdinck and an honor guard returned to take a look at the visiting ship and meet her captain.

"Your Majesty" Inigo said with a bow, "welcome to our humble ship from Solarus. I am Captain D'Vough. It is most gracious for you to visit. I wish that we could invite you below deck, but I'm afraid some of our food spoiled and the hold hasn't aired out yet. Please accept our best hospitality on deck today. Would his Majesty care to get out of the sun?" asked Inigo as he waved toward the tent.

"No, it is quite nice today. I'm afraid affairs of state don't allow me as much time outside as I would like." Humperdinck heard a chattering and looked up in the rigging to see a monkey. As he did so his crown fell off the back of his head and was barely caught by one of the guards. "My father had a large head and his crown was sized accordingly. My everyday crown fits better but I left it back in the castle; in all honesty it's rather plain in comparison." Inigo nodded and explained that the ship had a monkey mascot of sorts by the name of Bosen. Humperdinck then eyed the cannons. "Are those ornamental?"

"No your Majesty," replied Inigo "but as your eye can tell they haven't been used in some time. With our travels and items of trade we can't be too careful. Fortunately we have the fastest ship on the water and can outrun any ship we face."

"Actually Captain, you have the fifth fastest. Florin has the four fastest ships on the water" Humperdinck boasted.

Inigo knew that Florin really only had two ships of any speed, and both were slower than the _Revenge_. Any other ships in the so called 'fleet' were really just fishing boats or transports. "Your Majesty will excuse my claim, not only is this ship the fastest but I must lay some of the credit on the crew. Their skills at sailing are a thing to behold." During the conversation the crew had busied themselves with menial chores while grunting or spouting gibberish at each other and of course waving their hands a lot. While coming on board, the king had snagged his leather boot on a nail in the deck tearing the boot's heal slightly. A crewmember had rushed in quickly and hammered the nail down and uttered "Solar prestige a gammon" before skittering off again.

"Your confidence in your abilities is admirable, but I'm afraid a bit mislaid" Humperdinck said as he thought quickly. If he could humble this ship they might be willing to become an ally against the local kingdoms. If they were actually better then perhaps something could be learned of their techniques and an excuse found for a possible bad showing. "I propose a race. No doubt you saw the rock formation offshore on your way in. From the docks, first around Gateway Rock and back to the dock is the winner."

"A race your Majesty?" Inigo asked as he feigned surprise. "Might I suggest a wager? The loser must supply the meal tonight at a banquet in your city." Humperdinck's face started to grimace. "Don't worry. Only a small portion of our food spoiled. There will be plenty to arrange some courses I'm sure the royal palate hasn't tasted before. To show our good faith, allow me to present your Majesty with an additional gift so rare I suspect no one in this land has seen one before." Inigo gestured for a crew member to hurry and retrieve the object. Humperdinck luckily happened to be looking in the opposite direction when a pair of arms reached out from the opened door and handed a cloth-wrapped bundle to the crew member, who rushed it back to Inigo.

Inigo unwrapped the bundle. "Your Majesty, I present to you a Chinese puzzle box. Within its many slides, blocks and pins is a secret chamber that rewards the person clever enough to solve it. Each one is handcrafted and no two are exactly alike. This one may be hundreds of years old." He handed the wooden box to Humperdinck, who tried unsuccessfully to shift the first few pieces.

"I've never seen its like. I shall enjoy solving it later."

Inigo looked around conspiratorially and motioned the king closer. In a low voice he said "It would be understandable if your Majesty's fastest ship was indisposed and we had to race a slower vessel. A loss would not rule out Florin as having the fastest ship." Inigo straightened up and smiled slightly at the king. After a moment Humperdinck returned the smile and nodded ever so slightly.

He turned to Tu. "Take this back carefully and give it to the Court Counselor to study. Give orders to set up the great hall for a banquet tonight; menu to be announced shortly. In the meantime have the _Zephyr_ brought to race immediately." Tu started to object, but Humperdinck dismissed him, leaving two junior guards with the king. He then turned back to Inigo and lied in a voice loud enough to be heard by everyone. "All my ships are ready at a moment's notice except for my fastest ship the _Boreas_ ; unfortunately she is in port having her barnacles rotated and isn't able to sail at this hour. No matter, the _Zephyr_ should be fast enough."

"It may not be fast enough, your Majesty" bragged Inigo as he paced with his practiced limp, "my crew members know a few tricks to squeeze the most out of the smallest wind. Perhaps you have a trusted person who you would like to observe? I'm sure it would be most instructive." Inigo held his breath; this was the critical point that decided the next course of action.

"I do indeed. I myself shall ride along. I shall enjoy watching the stern of the _Zephyr_ from your bow." Humperdinck smiled inwardly. And if it should happen that this ship wins, he thought, I shall claim they cheated due to unsportsmanlike conduct and still claim victory for Florin.

And so it was. Both ships lined up and unfurled sails at the blare of the trumpet from the castle's wall. Humperdinck's joy grew greater as the _Zephyr_ slowly pulled a full length ahead. The situation would have been different had Inigo not already given orders to hold back and let the other ship lead. In this position the _Zephyr_ soon came abreast of the rock and started its sweeping turn around. Just as it started to disappear briefly behind the rock, Inigo gave the signal. "Full speed! Tourbows out. Come about southeast; give it all she's got!" Humperdinck was stunned, not knowing what was happening. Previously unseen booms extended out of the bow and small additional sails deployed. The ship also turned AWAY from the rock and headed toward the open sea. The speed of the ship picked up dramatically and the coast started to shrink behind. Inigo turned to Humperdinck and asked "Would someone bring His Majesty a chair? He looks a little unsteady right now. I'm afraid the _Zephyr_ is definitely going to beat us back to port." Humperdinck sank down into the offered chair. His guards, now with armed crew behind them, were offered no such luxury.

Having finally finished what he was working on in his room, Andy made his way out into the main entrance of the castle just in time to hear the trumpet at the start of the race. He made his way to the wall and asked a lookout what was going on. He watched the ships on the first leg of the race, the _Zephyr's_ turn around the rock, and from his vantage point the _Revenge_ peeling off in the other direction. The confusion became concern and then panic as he realized something wasn't right; furthermore, the crew on the _Zephyr_ were blocked for some time from the view by the rock. As they raced back into the port, the crew was only then discovering that something was amiss and their celebration at the victory was quickly doused. With a great effort they brought the ship around, but by then the _Revenge_ was a dot on the horizon. They gave chase for a short distance but the dot disappeared and they gave up, returned to port dejected and to wait for orders.

Back in the castle, Andy returned to the throne room to pace while he thought. Shortly Tu arrived and was surprised to see him there. "I thought you might still be in your room. Something has happened and I fear it is a bad thing." Tu briefed him on the happenings and conversation before the race. "The captain of the _Intrepid_ gave the King this puzzle box as a gift which his Majesty then asked for me to give to you for study." Tu handed Andy the puzzle box.

"How fitting, since I am puzzled as to what happened. We can hope they are just showing off their skills to the King, but I feel something deeper is behind it. See if your men can find out anything else while I take this box back and study it. I hope it will yield a clue."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Andy walked back to his room holding the box in front of him. Once back in his room, he sat down at his desk and studied the box. Rectangular, it was over a foot long, nearly 10 inches wide and 8 inches tall. It seemed to be built from multiple pieces of highly polished wood glued together in a block. Small stubs at the four corners of one side seemed to indicate the bottom, so Andy placed that side down on the desk. With a viewing lens he studied the wood more closely. Although most pieces were tightly glued together, there were a few spots that had the slightest gaps between. He shook the box gently and heard only the slightest movement from inside. The sound from tapping on the box gave the impression that it was not completely solid.

Fortunately, nothing in the box tapped back at him.

Andy considered his options. Burning the box might destroy anything that was inside. Likewise, trying to chop away a portion of the box with an axe might destroy or damage its contents. This was a puzzle box. Puzzles were designed to be solved, no matter how difficult the problem might be. Obviously, he thought, it must be something that isn't obvious. Closing his eyes and using only his fingers, he felt along the sides of the box. On one end he felt a slight depression in the wood so subtle that he had to go back to make sure he had felt it. Finding the spot again with his finger, he pushed and was immediately rewarded by the piece underneath sliding about an inch, so that there was now a hole on one end and a small block sticking out of the other. The piece would move out no further but could be pushed back into place. He congratulated himself on his first breakthrough.

Andy looked up and was surprised to see that time had flown by and the outside light was beginning to dim as the sun was beginning to set. No matter, now that he knew the technique it was just a matter of trial and error until the box would give up its solution. Andy stretched, lit several candles on the desk for illumination and forced himself to eat a light snack while he stared at the box. He was feeling rather worn out, but he gathered his strength and resolve, and sat down again to do battle with the box. He would not give up until the victory was his.

The next morning Andy awoke from a night of fitful slumber. Somehow he had made it to his bed before collapsing asleep. On the floor beside the bed was the prize for his long night with the puzzle box. Through trial and error he had determined the twelve separate steps required until the final inner chamber was revealed, and inside was a note. It read:

 **Florin:**  
 **By now you know we have King Humperdinck. He will be**  
 **treated well and is safe for now. Solarus is a country**  
 **that is in need of resources to expand our influence. These**  
 **needs include one dozen good horses and cattle for breeding**  
 **stock and a ship to sail them to our country. In addition**  
 **we demand a payment of 1,000 in gold for the safe return**  
 **of your king. We have a man that will visit the king of**  
 **Guilder in one week in the guise of a trader from the**  
 **south wearing a hat with a blue feather. Please give your**  
 **response to this man or leave it with the court and we**  
 **shall arrange the exchange and exact terms. Any attempt**  
 **to harm the contact will result in unfortunate circumstances**  
 **for your leader.**

Shaking the cobwebs from his head, Andy splashed some water on his face and made his way to the throne room. It was much like it always was, except for its lack of a monarch sitting in the center on the throne. He wasn't even sure if he had ever been in the room by himself before; usually it was because he had been summoned or had something to report to the king. Andy walked over and sat on the throne. While deep in thought he reached over and grabbed a few dates and ate them. He looked at the main entrance to the throne room. Above the door was mounted a kite-shaped

[dice: shield]

that displayed the crest of Humperdinck's family, a crest that had existed for more than 200 of the country's 500 year history. Alternating black and white diagonal stripes formed the background on the crest. Two cats, one black and one white adorned the upper left. A large question mark dominated the lower right. Andy knew from his reading that the crest symbolized the two natures of the rulers of the Katz family line. There had been good and bad leaders in the kingdom's history, probably much like other kingdoms the world over; it was more surprising that the crest advertised the fact rather than it occurred at all.

But this King had no children, and he lost his only sibling while he was young. There might be a family branch to follow further back up the family tree, but it would take some research from the court's historian, a man as dusty and dry as the tomes he managed. While he contemplated the shield he heard footsteps approaching. The door opened and in strode Tu. He paused and looked at Andy sitting on the throne with his hand resting in the date tray.

"Making ourselves at home are we?" he asked with a raised eyebrow. Tu probably would have smiled if his face was capable of the expression, but it was set in its ways and was not willing to try anything new.

"No, just thinking. Any news of the King?"

"Nothing new. Our lookouts report nothing. The city seems to be operating as normal, although vague rumors are starting to spread that something has happened. However, people so rarely see the King they probably won't miss him for a bit. Did you manage to get any clues from that box?"

"Not just clues, an answer of sorts." He handed the paper to Tu, who waved it off. "I can't read" he explained.

Andy read the note to Tu, who afterward stood without talking as he considered the consequences. When Tu failed to make any comments after a minute or two, Andy spoke. "Whatever we choose to do, we had better decide and act quickly and decisively for the good of the country."

"Yes," replied Tu with a stern look on his face "I believe you're right." That's why I've already made plans, he thought to himself.

 _"Don't worry Grandpa, they sit down" said the Grandson._

 _"Who sits down?" asked the Grandfather, a little confused._

 _"Humperdinck's guards on the ship. They get to sit down in chairs while the ship was on its way. I thought you might have been concerned about them."_

 _"I wasn't; I forgot about them actually. If a character doesn't have a name they can't be too important."_

 _"ALL the time?" asked the Grandson._

 _"MOST of the time" answered the Grandfather._


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

After outrunning the pursuit of the _Zephyr_ , the _Revenge_ executed a wide sweep to the east and made its way to the islands of Inti. There it skirted the islands in a dash along the coast past Haypenne. After nightfall they managed to make it all the way to Guilder and slipped into the capitol of Guilderton. The ship eased into port and silently docked. In the dark a large group of people disembarked and under cover of night entered a carriage that then drove up the seaside slope to the castle. Another group walked off the ship and made their way on foot through town. The _Revenge_ then untied its mooring and eased back out of the port to head south again.

The carriage pulled up to the castle's courtyard front gate, paused, and then was admitted into the courtyard. It continued onward to the castle's front entrance where it stopped. The passengers left the carriage and entered the castle where they were met in the foyer by the Captain of the Guard, Lon. By the light of a night torch the figures of Westley, Humperdinck, Inigo and Fezzik could be seen. In a low voice Lon explained that only he and the night guards were awake at this hour; however, rooms had been prepared in advance and there the guests could rest for the remainder of the night.

His anger now long tempered by exhaustion, Humperdinck commented "I suppose while the guests go to their rooms I shall be put in the dungeon with any other prisoners you're holding." As they continued to walk down a long hallway, Lon answered "The castle does have a dungeon, but I'm afraid it can't be used. It's a storeroom for many of the decorations for the annual Kingdom Day and, quite frankly, is stuffed completely full. Here are your quarters gentlemen" he said opening a door into a room where several bunks and a washing area could be seen in the low light. One of the bunks had a figure sound asleep; fortunately he wasn't snoring. Humperdinck started in and Lon held up his

[dice: hand]

and said "If your Majesty would, please follow me to the room you'll be staying in."

Humperdinck reluctantly followed Lon up a staircase and to the back of the castle. "I suppose this is my cage?" asked the king as Lon swung open the door. They both entered and Lon turned up the wick on a lantern. The room was very well furnished and looked quite comfortable. It was a room fit for, well, a king. It wasn't quite up to the luxury of Humperdinck's own room, but it was better than most rooms he'd seen in his life. "Your guest rooms are more luxurious than Florin's" said Humperdinck as he looked into a small room off to one side.

"Oh, this isn't a guest room. King Stephen has given his room to you for the duration of your stay. He's staying downstairs in the bunkroom we just left. There is a portrait of the royal family made some years ago over the fireplace mantle. If your Majesty requires anything, notify the guard outside and arrangements will be made. At this hour all we can offer are some fresh fruits, but they are quite good. I bid you a good night sire."

"The king of Solarus has the same name as the king of Guilder?"

"Sire, you are IN Guilder; there is no such country as Solarus. In the morning all shall be made known to you." Lon walked out the door and closed it behind him.

Humperdinck looked around the room again and noticed a note lying on the bed. He picked it up and read:

 **Humperdinck, the situation is less than**  
 **perfect but we shall strive to make your**  
 **stay as comfortable as possible while you**  
 **are inconvenienced. Consider my home**  
 **yours, have a restful night and we shall**  
 **meet in the morning.**  
 **-Stephen.**

He looked up at the painting of the royal family on the wall. A middle-aged king and queen stood proudly with their two children, a girl about eight and a boy who was only a few months old. At least it's a nicely gilded cage, he thought.

Humperdinck startled awake the next morning sitting in bed, fully clothed. He had tried to stay awake through the night, sure that men would burst into the room and take him elsewhere. At some point before sunrise he had finally succumbed to sleep after being exhausted from the previous days' events. Before the cobwebs had a chance to leave his head, a soft knock came upon the door. "Your Majesty?" came a muffled voice on the other side.

"Enter."

Lon came in looking only slightly worse for wear. He obviously had a late night of it as well. "King Stephen bids you a good day, and asks to dine with you in your room for lunch. He feels that a private meeting would be best."

"Tell your king that...wait, what time is it?" The light coming in through the windows was rather bright.

"Nearly an hour until midday" answered Lon. "I tried knocking at breakfast but you were sound asleep so he postponed the meeting. Will your Majesty be accepting the invitation?"

Humperdinck thought for a moment. He hadn't eaten much of anything since he'd left Florin; he didn't trust the food to be free of any poison. But he had to eat sometime; he could at least eat the same food Stephen ate and hope for the best. "Tell your king I accept. Allow me an hour to freshen up."

"Very good your Majesty, I shall inform the king. If you would like some fresh clothes you can browse the wardrobe for anything that fits. In one hour then" said Lon as he departed and closed the door behind him.

Later, both kings sat at a table in a sunny portion of the room, Humperdinck on one side and the much older Stephen at the other. "I understand that you feel violated" said Stephen as he buttered a bread roll. He broke it in half and handed one part to Humperdinck while he ate the other. Humperdinck had established that he would eat no food that King Stephen did not also eat. Stephen shrugged at the request, but agreed and had split the meal's contents as they talked. "But as wrong as kidnapping may be, you yourself arranged the same for Buttercup some time ago. As for your abductors lying, once again you did the same to her before. Don't forget, I've got the story directly from them after their escape from your country. I consider them friends of my family and my kingdom."

"Well yes, but that was different. I was trying to go to war before you attacked me."

Stephen choked on his bread and sputtered as he broke out laughing. "Attack you? Why would I ever do such a thing?"

"Who knows? Power, land, resources, all the things that a kingdom needs to grow. You were planning to do it and I simply tried to start the fight first to catch you before you were on the offensive."

"The only offense I have is at your suggestion. Guilder may not be quite as well off as Florin, but we want for nothing and have no reason to attack anyone. And just what would I attack you with?"

"I have my reports. You have armies marching through your streets with the soldiers carrying weapons. You have made alliances with Escudo to my south, and Haypenne and Inti south of Guilder. Those 'friends' of yours that escaped my country have been stirring up trouble by raising sentiment against Florin. Even your ship that kidnapped me is a formidable weapon that is better than any ship I have." This last comment hurt slightly to say but was the truth.

"I can see we have to educate you on just how the world works outside Florin. Tomorrow I'll take you on a tour of our city when I go on my annual 'Among the People' day. In the meantime, I thank you for your company during our meal. I have matters to attend to, but in the meantime Lon will take you to our activity room. You have a lesson scheduled there I believe." Stephen left Humperdinck looking puzzled as he left the room.

Lon entered immediately after. "If your Majesty would follow me, we are expected elsewhere in the castle." Humperdinck drank his last bit of juice and joined Lon as he led the way to the activity room. When they entered they saw Westley waiting for him, doing a few stretching exercises in the meantime.

Humperdinck recognized Westley and said "I suppose I now perish at the hands of the best swordsman in Guilder?" Westley tossed Humperdinck a sword and motioned for him to stand at a spot several paces away. "Neither of us is going to perish today, and for your information I'm not even the best swordsman in the castle right now."

"I don't see why we have to do this. What's the point?" asked Humperdinck who certainly did not intend the pun.

"Because your Highness, despite any possible ill will I hold for you, when it comes down to it you are royalty and the leader of Florin. While you are our guest we shall treat you with every courtesy possible under the circumstances. And that includes several lessons in personal improvement. Right now we'll cover self-defense. Prepare to duel."

Westley came to attention with his sword. Humperdinck did likewise. "Now I shall give YOU the lesson" the king said as he lunged. After a quick parry from Westley Humperdinck's sword lay on the ground. "If his Majesty is through playing around we can begin the lesson. Pick up your sword and we'll start."

Westley ran Humperdinck through the basics of swordplay. Although Westley was much better than the king, Humperdinck was a fairly good fighter. Once they had settled into dueling, Westley noted that Humperdinck became less confident and much more defensive in his style. Westley stopped the lesson.

"Your Majesty's ability with the sword is good. Your technique is solid and your mechanics are sound. To become a better fighter you must overcome your cowardice and push the attack." Humperdinck's face reddened at the mention of cowardice but Westley continued. "You did not ask to be born a prince. That is not your fault. You did not ask to be kidnapped. Perhaps that is not your fault either. But know this Majesty; life involves risk, and some day we all shall die. If it is important enough to fight, it is important enough to win. You must fight like a king! Let's work on that attitude. Can you beat me in a duel?"

"No. You are a much better fighter than me."

"Truly you speak. But when you fight someone, you can't let them have the advantage of knowing that. You must remove it to make the odds more even. You must counter any boast your opponent makes. This will not only deflate his ego somewhat, it may also distract him which is another advantage for you. Now make a boast and I shall counter it."

Humperdinck thought. "I'm going to turn you into shish kabob." Westley countered with "I must be the beef and you're...the chicken!"

Humperdinck blinked. "Did you just call me a chicken?"

"Yes I did. Don't you see? Not only did I turn your boast around, I insulted you as well. You even hesitated as you considered my chicken analogy."

"Interesting. You have permission to insult me further."

"I didn't ask and don't need your permission. Remember, any insults are for educational purposes only and do not necessarily reflect the views of myself or those of the royal family. Now continue please."

"Let's try...I'm the world's best swordsman." Westley retorted "You're ranking is sure to drop now that you're actually fighting someone." Humperdinck smiled slightly as they continued the lesson.

"You can't beat me" - "I don't plan on beating you, just killing you."

"I'm your greatest nightmare" - "Yes, your face is rather hideous. Now let's do it while fighting." With that they continued the dueling, with Westley dialing back his swordplay to more closely match Humperdinck. Boasts and insults combined with striking steel to create quite the symphony.

"You don't stand a chance against me" - "As a buffoon? I agree!"

"I can defeat you with my eyes closed" - "Dreaming IS the only way you'll see that."

"Prepare to die" - "I suppose it's possible you could bore me to death."

"Now I am the master" - "You'll need to learn to master your mediocrity."

"No man can defeat me" - "Now that you're not fighting children you'll learn otherwise."

"My awesomeness overwhelms you" - "No, but your odor does."

"I don't see how you can beat me" - "Obviously you haven't looked in my direction."

"My grandmother fights better than you" - "Everyone fights better than you."

"But what if I can't think of any way to turn the boast around?" asked Humperdinck as he stopped his fighting.

"You could try complimenting them; that may slow them down but it might also boost their ego. Or you could claim their boots are untied, but that's rather unsportsmanlike. Say something nonsensical and really confuse them. Just remember that your body can't win if your mind has already given up. I think that's enough for now; just think about what we've covered."

Humperdinck, in spite of himself, was beginning to admire Westley. Lon, who had been making mental notes of the lesson himself, stepped forward. "What would your Majesty care to do now? You have a few hours before dinner and bed; perhaps you would care to stroll through the gardens, tour the castle, relax in your room, or visit our reading room."

"Does the reading room have a history of Guilder?"

"Of a sort. Our kings have traditionally kept a diary of their activities in the kingdom. A court historian supplements the diaries with notes when needed."

"Then I would like that very much. Lead the way Lon. Uh, please."


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Tu left Andy in the throne room and made his way down the hall towards a side of the castle where the kitchen and staff quarters were located. As he walked he reflected how the recent turn of events was playing into the plans of him and his wife; fate just gave Tu and Elle Whitu a big helping hand.

Ever since he had joined the company of Florin's guards Tu had ambitions for something better. First was getting posted to the castle duty. Next he worked his way out of night shifts. Having a wife on the castle kitchen staff occasionally helped with inside information on the goings on of Florin's royal family. He caught the attention of Count Rugen, who recruited him to be a coordinator of the spies who reported in from the city and neighboring kingdoms. Naturally with that responsibility it was reasonable to want to become the Captain of the Guard. After the mass defections during the rescue of Buttercup, the job was his for the taking even after the death of his patron Rugen. Now he commanded Florin's guard and oversaw the spy network.

But for some, power creates a hunger for more power. And with the failure of the marriage of Humperdinck and Buttercup, Tu saw a weakness that could be exploited. After the death of his father, Humperdinck assumed the throne without heir. With no children or siblings the traditional succession to the throne was currently cut off. And with the elimination of Humperdinck, most would agree that bold measures would be needed to protect the kingdom. His wife agreed; Elle could easily imagine herself the wife of the de facto military leader of the country. And it was she who came up with a plan.

As a member of the kitchen staff, she had access to the food that was prepared and served to the king. It was a small matter to add a little rarium poison to his dates; she was able to obtain a small amount of the poison from a bottle in the Court Counselor's room. The dates were a delicacy only served to the king, so no one else would fall ill from the food. It was slow acting, and by the time the King felt ill it would be too late. No one would suspect them.

Tu arrived in the kitchen and found his wife working at a table; inventing an excuse they stepped away into a private area to talk. "Great news" he told his wife, "we have been smiled upon by fate. King Humperdinck has been kidnapped and is being held for ransom."

Elle thought for a few moments as the expression on her face changed from concentration to elation. "He should have already received enough poison by now. When he falls ill and dies, his kidnappers will be blamed and we'll be in the clear for sure."

"That's right. And there's more. With Humperdinck gone, the only person with a possible claim to the throne is his advisor Andy. I just caught him eating dates in the throne room. If we can get him to keep eating them…" Tu trailed off.

"…then in about a month Andy will have eaten enough to fall ill and die too. And it will be up to you to save the kingdom from the threat of her enemies nearby. The fact that you invented the threat they pose is just a minor detail." They both hugged and Tu twitched; his face was still trying to smile but failed yet again.

"I would prefer assuming the role of leader now," continued Tu "rather than wait a month. But this way there will be no competition for the position after Andy is gone. Otherwise he might prove to be a hindrance to my rule. Now we just play along and wait. Be sure to keep those dates coming."

Andy tossed and turned on his bed, without really going to sleep. He still had the vision of the Katz family crest in his head as he worried about the kingdom. Certainly history provided enough examples of a reign continuing under difficult circumstances. But what to do? So far the court historian hadn't been able to find an heir that was still alive, although the search was a slow one and had not been concluded yet.

He had sought counsel from the court's impressive clergyman. Andy had sat down and described the situation while his Eminence sat in deep thought. After he finished describing his situation, the clergyman sat. And thought. Or maybe prayed. It wasn't until Andy heard soft snores coming from the other man that he realized that in fact the clergyman had fallen asleep. Rousing him gently, the clergyman simply said "Wule Wisewy."

Even though there was no definite leader at the moment, he considered himself the closest thing. He didn't want to rule; he preferred his books and experiments. But he had the most education and the closest relationship with Humperdinck. Even now Andy didn't know how to think of the king. Dead? Alive? Could anybody who would kidnap and ransom a king be trusted to keep him in good health? Even if he made an agreement with them, there was nothing to keep them (or someone else for that matter) from doing the same again. And what about the kingdom? Humperdinck had told him about the threat from the neighboring kingdoms and the role of certain agitators, information courtesy of Tu's spy network. The kingdom HAD to be protected against those as well.

The next morning Andy sent word by messenger around the castle and into the city that an important announcement would be made at midday from the balcony of the castle to the people of Florin. Word spread quickly, and people began to make their way to the castle and into the courtyard well before the appointed time. The 'Come All' trumpet was sounded and eventually the courtyard was filled and the later arrivals had no choice but to mill about the entrance and surrounding wall.

Tu deployed his guards about to provide as much order as was possible with such a large crowd. The entrance to the castle itself was also heavily guarded, and he posted a pair on the balcony from which Andy would speak. Andy stepped through the door that led from the throne room to the balcony and glanced at the

[dice: sundial]

face. Midday, or at least close enough for all intents and purposes. He noticed that it was running fast and moved the base slightly to adjust the shadow. He stepped to the railing and looked out upon the sea of faces. He still wasn't happy doing this, but there was no choice in the matter. He waved to the crowd and a fair number of the people waved back. He was known by sight to quite a few of the city's population from his earlier life in the cart races before entering the king's employ. He took a deep breath, raised a large cone to his mouth to project his voice and began.

He went into great detail about what was known about the events of two days ago, and how the note had been found and the consequences of taking action in various ways. He went on about the needs of the kingdom and taking care of its people the best way possible under the terrible crisis. The truth was that King Humperdinck was gone and was presumed to be lost to the kingdom. The king wouldn't have given into a ransom demand, and Andy would honor that same position. The search for an heir hadn't yielded any results yet, but that there was still hope. But until a day when an heir was found, Andy would lead the kingdom as Regent until such a time as he was no longer needed. He called for an official day of remembrance on this date in honor of their lost king, and asked the good people of Florin to try to carry on with their lives.

Finished with his address, Andy waved to the people again and reluctantly returned to the throne room to begin his new responsibility as regent. The ancient curse of 'May you live in interesting times' came to mind as he settled onto the throne.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Humperdinck was in the reading room after dinner reviewing old journals of Guilder, finding it not unlike the history of his own kingdom. As Stephen had said, they had developed good relationships with the kingdoms surrounding Florin since before Stephen was even born. He was just about to start the most recent journal available, one that covered up until about a year ago, when the silence of the room was gently disturbed by the soft footfalls of Buttercup. He bolted upright, grabbed a few journals and made excuses that he was just leaving.

"No, please stay a few moments longer" Buttercup asked, "I would like to speak with you."

Humperdinck paused and suddenly felt rather sick. Nevertheless he assented with a "If you'd like" and waved towards the chair he had been using. As Buttercup sat in the offered chair he pulled up another a safe several feet away and slid slowly into it. Ever since he had come here he had been dreading that this meeting might occur and wished he could run away. But that is what a coward would do and he fought the urge to both run and soil his trousers.

"Let me start by saying that I know what you planned to do after our marriage. It won't be surprising to hear that I'm glad it didn't work out for you." She smiled at the little joke.

Humperdinck smiled weakly too. Not so much for the humor, but rather because of nerves and intestinal chaos.

"But what is important for me to say is this: I was wrong for agreeing to the marriage in the first place. I didn't love you, and the fact that you didn't love me is no excuse for my behavior. For that I apologize."

Humperdinck blinked. He wasn't expected an apology. Of course he wasn't expecting to actually stay in the room either.

"Also, I called you a coward to your face more than once. No matter how true it may have been at the time, it was done in anger and with the sole intent of hurting you. I, who was going to take my own life rather than stand for myself, am in no position to call anyone a coward."

Now he was getting a little dizzy from the turn of the conversation. "No no my lady, you've no need to apologize. My actions were reprehensible and taking a look at my life shows me for the coward I am." He bowed his head and continued in a much subdued voice. "Perhaps it is for the best that I've been...uh...kidnapped."

Buttercup rose, walked over to Humperdinck and took his hand from his lap. He looked up into her eyes. "NO ONE should ever go through being kidnapped, believe me I know" she said. "But with grace and wisdom and good fortune we can find ourselves on the other side of it a new person. Don't you agree dear husband?"

Westley stepped out from the doorway. "I agree. I think my wife is much improved over the old version." She threw him a look of mock scorn. "As for your Majesty, that's up to you. Since you failed at killing me for good, I consider us even at this point." Buttercup walked over to Westley, turned and curtsied to Humperdinck. "Goodnight Sire, we are leaving tonight to visit my family and shall miss your day among the Guilder people" she said softly as she and Westley left arm in arm.

Humperdinck stared after them. She really would make a wonderful queen for somebody, he thought. He took the journals he had gathered and headed back to his bedroom.

The next morning Humperdinck awoke, earlier than the day before. Not worrying about being murdered in the middle of the night certain helped; one could actually spend time reading which is what he did.

The most recent journal that had been available only covered up to about a year ago, but was the most interesting of all. Not only did it describe the rescue of Buttercup, but also an abbreviated history of the Dread Pirate Roberts in the guises of Westley and Inigo. But even those entries weren't the most interesting.

It would seem that King Stephen, many years before, had visited Florin with his own family and had become friends with Humperdinck's father. The entries during that period described meeting his mother, himself and his younger brother. Later entries however, told of how Florin's king had lost his youngest son and, in a fugue of overprotectiveness, became more and more isolated until he even stopped answering Stephen's letters. Humperdinck remembered well when his father forbid him to ever explore outside the castle walls again after his brother's loss, and to only be accompanied by adult protectors when he did travel away. His eyes had misted reminiscing about his younger days and he had fallen asleep that night reliving old days.

However, those days were past and the joys of carefree childhood were gone. He carefully put the journals aside and went about washing and dressing. Although the clothes didn't fit perfectly, he found some that were a good match for him. As he was finishing getting dressed, there was a soft knock on the door and a deep voice asked if he could come in. Humperdinck bid the voice to enter, and in walked the largest man he had ever seen, carrying a bag. Behind him entered the largest woman he had ever seen, also carrying a bag.

"We've never met officially" said Humperdinck, "but my guess is you would be Fezzik and Greta from Haypenne."

"Majesty" they both replied with a bow. Fezzik went on. "We have something to give back to you. When the time comes for you to return to your country, you should be comfortable in your adornment." Fezzik opened his bag and withdrew Humperdinck's crown, which he handed to him after wiping off an imaginary piece of lint. "I noticed on the ship that it didn't fit very well, and since I was able to salvage a few of my blacksmithing tools back home I resized it."

Humperdinck placed it atop his head, then moved his head in different directions quickly to test the fit. It held snugly without wanting to drop over his face or slide over an ear as before. Fezzik cleared his throat.

"Uneasy rests the crown of state,

Upon the heads of kings.

A heavy burden atop his pate,

For responsibilities it brings.

The strength of support to share the load,

The love of friends 'tis a great prize.

While voyaging down life's long road,

Don't let the crown cover your eyes!"

Before Humperdinck could respond, Greta stepped forward. "This is for you as well." She opened her bad and brought out Humperdinck's boots he had worn the day of his kidnapping, handing them to him. "I've mended the tear in the sole that you got onboard the Revenge, and I noticed the seams were starting to pull apart on the ball of your foot, so I reworked the leather to give you a little more room. As you get older your foot can get wider, and your footwear should take that into account."

With practiced grace Humperdinck slipped his feet into the boots and quickly laced them tight. He stood up and walked around in a circle and bounced up and down a few times. He smiled at the comfortable fit of the boots. Greta said "Um..." to get his attention. Fezzik whispered "In many..." to which Greta retorted "I know how my own poem starts" and continued.

"In many years what halls you've trod,

With these boots your feet were shod;

The following advice is no great mystery,

Consider the steps you leave through history."

Fezzik and Greta bowed again. Fezzik spoke "We apologize for the kidnapping even if you did burn down our shop; a wrong doesn't always right another wrong. But as a group we decided that you wouldn't meet with us voluntarily."

"No, you're right about that. But please realize that I did what I did for the defense of my kingdom. I'm only now beginning to find out that perhaps all is not as I've been told these many years. And in that light I am the one who should apologize for the destruction I've caused in your lives. There is one more gentleman whom I've got to apologize to; I believe his name is Inigo?"

"Yes, you did have his house burned down. He is in the castle somewhere; you'll probably meet him later. Although in a way you've already met; he was Captain D'Vough and the ship we brought you on was really the _Revenge_ , not the _Intrepid_. In the meantime we'll be on our way; I believe Stephen is going to take you out today and he'll probably have a meal with you before doing so. Good day, Sire." With that the two departed, leaving Humperdinck to ruminate on the exchange. He looked at the crest painted on the crown and particularly the

[dice: question mark]

portion of it. Just what did he really know about what went on outside his castle? And for that matter, did he even know what was going on inside of it? No matter, he was going to learn firsthand about Guilder today.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Andy sat upon the throne and thought. It occurred to him that kings must do a lot of that for there was much to consider in a kingdom. Andy was no stranger to intense thinking, but it usually involved a single idea or project and not something as large in scope as the affairs of a country. Although it could probably run along with its current momentum for some time, that certainly was no way to make progress.

The first manner of business had been taken care of for him. Exhaustive research had concluded that there were no blood relatives alive to which could be passed the crown. Sadly, it would seem that the Katz family rule had come to an end. He didn't know what the future would hold, but for the time being he was the de facto ruler.

And as the ruler he would have to officially respond to the kidnappers' demand note. With pen and paper he took the ransom note and wrote on the back of it:

 **To the vile scum that have taken our King:**

 **Florin has not, nor will ever give into the demands**  
 **of thieves and criminals. We are a strong people**  
 **and shall carry on without our King who has**  
 **probably already perished at your hands. The**  
 **enemies around us shall see no weakness from**  
 **Florin's new leader.**

 **Andy Night Wolf, Regent**

Andy placed the royal seal upon the note and handed it to Tu, who fully endorsed Andy's plan when they had discussed the matter in earnest a few hours before. Tu took the note and left to deliver it to the regular courier who was in contact with the spy from Guilder. Andy closed his eyes. The demands of leadership are already heavy upon me, he thought. I sleep worse than ever and am already weary before the morning is over. Nevertheless, duties needed to be performed.

He wanted to push Florin ahead into a new era of prosperity and growth and had an idea to start an institute of learning to promote advanced education in Florin. With a greater pool of well-educated people Florin should flourish with new ideas and energy. He had to work with what was around him to get it going, and to that end he wanted to discuss the idea with the man he had picked out to be the new head clergyman. The previous head was going to be ceremoniously retired to devote his time fully to the subject of "Twoo Wuv". The new head was much younger but at least he could hold a conversation without falling asleep, although at this point Andy wasn't sure that he could do the same. He closed his eyes a moment.

He opened them again when he heard a "Ahem." Looking, he saw the kitchen maid Elle standing at the doorway. In her hands was a:

[dice: bowl of steaming rice]

which she carried in. "Regent, this was delivered by a special envoy as a gift to the king several weeks ago. It is called rice. I thought perhaps you would like to try some." She placed the bowl on the table beside the date bowl and left. Andy looked at the bowl. Maybe later he thought, he really wasn't hungry right now. Not even for dates.

For a distraction he turned his attention to the prospect of redesigning the Florin flag.

...

Before the sun had even risen Westley, Buttercup and Fezzik had reached the shore of northern Florin and made their way ashore. This was home to Buttercup; in the distance she could just made out where her family farm lay. To Westley it was a time long ago when his whole world consisted of working on a farm with the most beautiful girl he had ever met. Poor and intimidated, he had spoken few words to her but those words had spoken volumes. To Fezzik it was another land that wasn't Greenland; unfortunately it also was another land that didn't have Greta in it. She had stayed behind with Contessa while they worked on things aboard the _Revenge_. But these small people needed a bodyguard anywhere near Florin, and Fezzik wasn't going to let them come to harm should trouble arise.

But no trouble arose as they walked the short distance to the farm. Humperdinck had been warned before they made their escape during the rescue that if anything should happen to the farm or Buttercup's family, a price would be paid by the prince. Whether through fear or honor that warning had been heeded, and as they arrived they found the farm much like it had been at that time. The crops might have varied slightly, and the mix of animals had changed over the years but it was pretty much the same farm since Ed and Trina Flowers had settled some thirty years ago.

Buttercup ran up to the door and called. Her mother answered and they entered to endure a round of hugs and greetings between everyone. Even though it had been less than a year since they last visited, there was news to catch up on and of course the recent happenings with Humperdinck which she omitted for the time being. The audience included Buttercup's two sisters Daffodil and Lily and her brother Bud, all younger than her. Although all had grown since she last saw them, she couldn't help but notice that Daffodil had become a beauty in her own right and about the same age as Buttercup was when she fell in love with Westley.

"So Daffy," asked Buttercup after most of the news had been covered "has dad hired any handsome farm boys to catch your eye?"

"No" she replied somewhat dejectedly, "and it's not fair. Dad says we don't need one now that Bud is old enough to help. How am I supposed to find a man on the farm? I can't count on a rich prince riding by and asking me to marry him like SOME people I know."

"That's not how it worked and you know it. Besides, Humperdinck is still single. I just spoke with him yesterday. He's really not such a bad sort now, I think he's finally growing up a bit." She couldn't help but catch a glint in Daffodil's eyes as the concept sunk in.

"Still single? If he liked you then he'll LOVE me! You have to take me back with you. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE?!"

"Only if mother and father agree. And you have to get an okay from Westley too. And it wouldn't hurt to ask Fezzik's opinion as to whether taking you back to the king might be considered torture." Daffodil tried to kick Buttercup but she had already moved out of range, laughing.

Westley and Fezzik were quickly recruited by Buttercup's father who was working outside, to help with some of the heavier jobs around the farm that had been waiting for more able-bodied hands. Ed thought more than once that Fezzik would be a perfect neighbor, very handy to have in a pinch if he needed a horse picked up or a house moved. He just didn't know how often he could feed a neighbor like him though. Through subtle questions Westley determined that no word of Humperdinck's kidnapping had reached the farm yet. That would change, but it was encouraging that no panic had taken over Florin; they wished merely to educate Humperdinck, not cause harm to Florin and its people.

Towards the evening Daffodil had already completed part of her rounds with asking permission to go to Guilder. In fact she had spent more effort on wheedling permission that doing actual chores. When pressed, her mother said it was okay with her if it was okay with her father. Coming in from the fields, her father said it was okay with him if it was okay with Westley; he trusted the young man's opinion, and quite frankly Daffy really wasn't one that could be counted on to get much work done around the farm anyway.

Westley didn't care if she came along, he explained, as long as she stayed out of the way and didn't cause any trouble with some traveling they planned to do. But he would abide by Fezzik's decision since he was the one that would ultimately be her guardian while abroad.

Fezzik said yes because deep down he had never been able to say no to a young lady or children, even when he tried.

So, much to Buttercup's chagrin Daffodil told her later that day that she would be sailing with them that night. Buttercup bit her lip; she really didn't think that everyone would have said yes. However, a promise was a promise and when they would set sail that evening Daffy would be travel with them back to Guilder.

...

Leaving his crown sitting on the bed, Humperdinck left the bedroom and went down to the dining area for breakfast. Sitting there were Stephen and Captain D'Vough of the _Intrepid_. Strike that; it was Inigo Montoya of the __Intrepid.__ Strike that, it was Inigo from the _Revenge_. Or was it Roberts? Humperdinck corrected himself over again; it was still a little confusing. Also sitting on either side of the king was a woman perhaps a few years younger than himself and a young man or boy depending on whether the darkness under his nose was a mustache or the remains of breakfast. Inigo had been getting up and excusing himself when he turned and saw Humperdinck. He explained he needed to get down to the _Revenge_ and would speak with Humperdinck later if he desired. He then left, and Stephen introduced the other members of his family.

"These are the remaining members of the royal family Amicitia. This is my daughter Ruby, and my son Garnet. You may not remember, but before Garnet was born you actually met Ruby when my family visited yours." Humperdinck did not remember, but then again there had been more than a few visitors when he was young. Both of Stephen's children rose. Ruby blushed slightly and bowed, while Garnet simply omitted the blush. "Please, be seated and eat. We all have a big day today, although Ruby and Garnet will be on their own while we go about our rounds."

Humperdinck sat and ate while Garnet peppered him with questions about Florin. Ruby asked a few as well, but mostly listened. Stephen merely ate and followed the conversation, occasionally redirecting Garnet's questions if they were too personal. He did explain to Humperdinck the reason for the special day each year was a chance for the royal family to keep in touch with the people and not become insulated within the castle walls which was an easy thing to do. They ate and talked, then left and made their way out of the castle and onto the main street. After a bit Ruby and Garnet bid their farewells and went off in another direction while the two men continued their walk, Stephen pointing out various shops and people as they continued on down the street.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

"So Humperdinck," asked Stephen later that evening "I trust your experiences today were probably a bit different than your life in Florin. Tell Ruby how you did. Or perhaps I should say tell her how George did today."

"George?" asked Ruby.

"I couldn't just call him 'Humperdinck'; people may not know what he looks like here, but the name would be a big giveaway."

"I doubt that she is really interested in my misadventures" said Humperdinck. "I was in over my head with just about everything I tried."

"Oh come now 'George'," begged Ruby "all I ever hear about from my father is how he's getting too old for real work and how glad he is that all he has to do is rule the kingdom. So, when Garnet and I last saw you, you and my father were walking down to the Rusty Barnacle Tavern."

"I suppose that was my last moment of innocence. I probably would have had a much easier day if I had just stayed with you and your brother. Well..."

...

"Our first stop today will be the Rusty Barnacle Tavern" declared Stephen. "Many a visitor has come to our kingdom, and sooner rather than later most end up visiting the Barnacle. It's right off the docks, on the main street, and right now has an open-door policy."

"You mean they serve anyone?"

"No, they refuse the really bad-tempered people. It just means that the front door hasn't been replaced after it was broken last week in a fight. Here we are, follow me and I'll introduce you to the owner." They both entered the tavern, where Humperdinck had to pause as his eyes grew accustomed to the much darker interior. Few windows allowed the light from outside in, where lanterns fought hand-to-hand combat with the darkness. The light was winning...barely. Stephen waved at a few patrons who waved back, and made his way to the back kitchen area.

"Nick! I've got a shadow with me for my day. He's new to the kingdom, an old family friend. George, this is Nick; owner, cook, bartender and janitor of the Barnacle."

"Glad to meet you George" said Nick, pumping Humperdinck's hand furiously. "Although you could have picked a better day to visit his Majesty!" Nick howled with laughter, so much that he had to lean against a wall for support. Stephen laughed too, and even Humperdinck smiled at the irony of the comment. "That was a good one," Nick went on, wiping a tear from his eye "sorry about that Sire. I couldn't resist. You know where the aprons are, the _Vagabond_ crew should be in any time now."

Stephen led Humperdinck to a cupboard against the wall and pulled out two aprons, giving one to Humperdinck and keeping one for himself. "Put this on before we start." As he spoke he pulled the apron over his head and started to tie it.

"Before we start what? And what is the _Vagabond_?"

"The _Vagabond_ is a regular trading ship that will soon be sending her crew here, and we are now officially part of the tavern staff for the next hour. You see, it is not just the people of a country that serve the king; when you look at it, the king serves the people too albeit in a leadership role. But symbolically, serving customers in a tavern is a remarkable way to embrace the responsibility of serving a people as king. Come on, it will be fun..."

...

"Was it fun?" asked Ruby with a twinkle in her eye.

"That depends on your definition of fun. I was yelled at, cursed, stepped on, bumped, and one customer even threw up on me."

Ruby giggled. "So you fit right in with the regular servers. No doubt you met some of the best people Guilder has to offer." A laugh escaped her lips.

"Lost drunken men who didn't know where they were and no longer cared. Yes, I do believe I've had the pleasure now. That guy who threw up on me was quite the sot."

"That sot," Stephen interjected soberly "in case you didn't notice, was missing an arm. He lost it saving a man who fell between the docks and a ship two years ago. Anyone who shows that kind of bravery deserves a little more leeway in my book."

Humperdinck paused for thought. "Well said; I didn't notice his injury and certainly would never begrudge leniency for anyone who performed such an heroic action. What of that other man that was passed out in the corner, the one with the

[dice: lightning bolt]

tattoo on his arm. Is he a hero too?"

Stephen looked at Ruby and nodded. She answered "Hardly. He's just your spy from Florin on his usual mid-morning binge. He usually wakes up just after lunch to go out and report on all the history-making events in Guilder. If we ever get around to having any that is." She guffawed at her own remark.

"One of our spies? This is embarrassing and, I must say, reflects poorly on Florin" Humperdinck said as he reddened slightly.

"What, that you have to resort to spies to find out what is happening or that they are too much into their cups? Don't be too hard on him either; Nathan Sam Allen really doesn't have that much to report on, but every week he finishes his report, marks it "NSA" and gives it to a courier to head back to Florin. He has to report SOMETHING; if there is absolutely nothing to report he might be recalled back to Florin and have to leave his family" Stephen explained.

"He has a family here?"

"Sure, he has his wife Martha and three kids. Well, two kids and one on the way; Martha's due in about a month or so. If it's a boy they are naming him Stephen" he bragged. "But I digress. After having fun over at the Barnacle, our next stop was at the Sarah Leah shop."

"Yes," continued Humperdinck "he explained on our way that after spending an hour learning how some people earn their daily bread, that it was time to learn how that bread is made. I have to say of all the places I went today it smelled the best by far." Actually he thought that Ruby was the best smelling thing he encountered today, but that didn't count so he didn't mention it. "Did you know that bread starts out as a kind of powder?"

Ruby rolled her eyes. "It's called flour. I think maybe you were the only one around here who DIDN'T know that. Didn't you ever go into the castle kitchen back home?"

"No, it was off limits. Too many chances to get underfoot of the people working there. And after working in that shop for an hour I can see why children would get in the way. I ended up covered in white powd...um flour, my fingers are sore from needling the bread..."

"Kneading the bread..." corrected Stephen.

"...kneading the bread, and I think I got a burn on my arm. Making food is a lot of work."

"Did you try to eat any of the bread you made? Or were customers using them as fenceposts?" teased Ruby.

Humperdinck allowed himself a small amount of pride. "Except for the first batch that I didn't add enough yeast, my bread was as good as any in the shop." Stephen nodded agreement.

"Good. But how did it taste?"

Humperdinck smiled. "I think it was the best bread that I have ever eaten in my entire life." His nostrils flared and his mouth watered at the memory.

"You'd be surprised how much work it is to get the flour" said Ruby.

"Actually I do, but that came later. For our next experience I joined the army."

Ruby looked confused. "Army? Guilder doesn't have any army, at least not one in peacetime."

Stephen explained. "No, we don't really. That's what Nathan calls the Guard Against Rubbish patrol in his reports back to Florin. We were honorary guards today; our arms were our weapons of mess destruction: rakes, shovels and such. I started with the broom while Humperdinck got the rubbish pail. We joined our fellow Guilder guards and marched through the streets cleaning up trash, cobwebs and any animal leavings. We even learned their marching song."

Ruby's eyes got wide. She grabbed Humperdinck's hands. "Oh, PLEASE sing it for me! I've heard it many times, but I simply must hear it from both of you." Stephen rolled his eyes and pretended a groan but got to his feet and cleared his throat. Humperdinck, realizing that misery loves company, reluctantly stood and joined in. Together they sang:

Over hill, over dale,

We sweep the streets without fail

As the Rubbish Patrol strolls along.

Up and down, near and far

Don't forget behind the bar

As the Rubbish Patrol strolls along.

For it's Hi! Hi! Hee!

Guilder's mighty sweeps are we,

Shout out your numbers loud and strong

(Two! Three! Four!)

For where e'er we go

You will always know

The Rubbish Patrol strolls along.

Ruby applauded enthusiastically and both men bowed and then saluted each other while grinning before sitting again. "I'm impressed. Perhaps you should try performing as minstrels sometime."

"I think my career began and ended today," said Humperdinck, "but I have to admit I felt a certain _espirit de coups_ with the guards. That and a cough that lasted for a half hour afterward from all the dust."

"Did you find out about where flour comes from after your stint in the army?" Ruby asked.

"Yes, your father took me backwards through the process. I watched wheat being ground into flour at a mill on the river. But we didn't stay there because I got to find out where the wheat came from. I've only ridden by farms on horseback or by carriage in the past. I've never stopped except one time to talk to a girl." He of course meant Buttercup but he didn't need to explain. "I think I've now experienced the hardest physical work in a kingdom. We worked in several fields, spread vile animal excrement in soil and mixed it before adding seed. The only saving grace was that my sense of smell was gone from all the dust cleaning the streets; otherwise I don't think I could have made it. And it seemed that no matter how heavy something was, the next thing you had to carry was even heavier. I shall never look at food the same way again nor any farm that I pass. After that experience it was a welcome chance to go to the river and bathe; I feared I wouldn't come clean but everything seems to have come off. I do seem to have a large bump on my hands that might be some sort of reaction to the seed on the farm." He showed her his palm.

"That's a blister. You get them when you're not used to working with your hands. It isn't fatal and will heal. Was that your last job?" Ruby said. "I doubt you'd do much after getting all cleaned up."

"No, there was one more experience. It was the hardest of all." Humperdinck fell silent and went no further. Ruby wondered what could have been so difficult after all the other experiences he had endured that day.

"After we washed up we went by Brother Timothy's" Stephen explained to Ruby.

Brother Timothy was a local clergyman who not only ministered to the people's spiritual needs, but also ran a clinic of sorts. Part confessor, counselor, physician, philosophizer and teacher he did his best to help those in the town with the problems that life threw at them. His was a place where everyone was welcome to stay, providing there was room, for as long as needed.

Stephen had taken Humperdinck there last without much explanation, not so much to work as to observe another part of life in the city. However, any thought of sneaking in quietly was quickly thwarted when Timothy hailed the king as soon as he entered the building. A dozen or so of the people inside thronged around the king, greeting him and wishing him well. He seemed to know a few; others were new and he introduced himself along with his old friend 'George' again.

Another dozen or so didn't join the throng. They were laid up in beds with various afflictions. Stephen visited each in turn, kneeling beside and asking questions or sharing a kind word. Humperdinck watched in wonder as all but two anticipated his arrival, and beamed after he moved on to the next person. The other two were unresponsive to any interaction and just lay there. Stephen still knelt, laid a hand on them and spoke softly as though they could hear. He then sat down for a few minutes with Timothy and discussed successes, failures and needs. As they left both men shook hands. Timothy stared at Humperdinck and as he shook his hand searched Humperdinck's face with studied eyes. "I don't know where or how, but someday you shall be a great leader."

As they left to return to the castle, Humperdinck asked if Timothy was a fortune teller as well. "No, that's one of the few hats he doesn't wear" replied Stephen. "But sometimes he makes uncanny predictions. Let's get back to the castle and tell Ruby our adventures."

...

"Sounds like that last assignment shook you up" said Ruby. Her voice was missing the edge from earlier and a bit of concern was creeping in. "Did what Brother Timothy tell you bother you?"

Humperdinck raised his head from the bowed position it had assumed. An odd look covered it, almost as a dark cloud over a landscape. "No, what he said didn't bother me; I hardly even noticed it. What I want to know is," he said as he turned to Stephen, "what did you do to those people there? I watched while you were visiting. You didn't give them medicine and you didn't change any bandages, yet nearly each one seemed a bit better after you passed. How? They seemed so…miserable when we first walked in, it was almost unbearable."

"A king is a symbol. I may know some of their names, and they know who I am, but I really don't know any of them that well. But I am a symbol that their country cares for them, and believe it or not I really do. What I gave them is hope; hope that they may recover. We all know there are some illnesses or injuries that will ultimately be too much to avoid death, but who can say what can happen if a person believes they will get better? Ours may not be a physically demanding job, but it is no less mentally demanding. If you want the people to support you, REALLY support you, then you must return the sentiment. Every person who deserves to be a leader must have that empathy deep down. Now, are you ready for some dinner?"

"No" said Humperdinck shaking his head, "I'm not very hungry and I'm afraid not the best of company right now. I'll retire to my room for the evening. Thank you very much for including me on your day." He arose and almost trudged out of the room, deep in thought over the day's events.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

"Ohhhhhhhhhh" the voice groaned from upstairs. Stephen and Ruby, both downstairs at the dining table getting ready to start breakfast, jumped up and hurried up the stairs to the source of the person in great distress. Stephen reached his bedroom and opened the door without knocking, rushed in and found Humperdinck laying supine on the bed. He raised his head weakly and looked at the two. "Thank you both for your hospitality and friendship. I fear that you will have your room back shortly Stephen, for I feel I shall expire shortly." His head plopped back on the pillow.

Ruby rushed to his side and placed a hand on his forehead. She then took his hand and inspected the palm before taking his pulse. "Your temperature seems normal and you aren't sweating. Where does it hurt?"

"Everywhere" Humperdinck answered. "My fingers, my hands, my arms, my shoulders...need I go on? Just let me die and you can make a list of where it hurt later."

"Does it hurt when you lie still?"

"No it doesn't. No doubt something has poisoned my muscles into a state of paralysis."

Ruby had an idea. With a sudden movement she pulled Humperdinck by the arm towards the edge of the bed. Without thinking he swung his legs around and down to prevent a most undignified fall to the floor. She continued pulling and directed him to "sit in that chair over there." She led him to the chair and he collapsed into it. "Well, you certainly are able to move as long as your mind doesn't protest. I think you're just sore from work yesterday! Force yourself to walk around the room, slowly. If that helps your legs, then we need to get your body loosened up a bit. Come on, you probably won't die for years yet."

And indeed, Humperdinck was able to loosen up his legs by walking. Stephen urged him to come down to breakfast shortly, and left the room. Ruby continued coaching with some helpful stretching movements and an occasional shove. After a fashion he was able to move about albeit slowly as some residual soreness remained. With a "meet us for breakfast" Ruby swept out of the room and Humperdinck dressed as quickly as possible by putting the pain of the soreness in the back of his mind and willing his limbs to bend like they should. By the time he had dressed and made his way downstairs, things were starting to loosen up and work properly again.

At the table a dirty place setting showed where Garnet had already eaten and left. Stephen, Ruby and Inigo were eating much more leisurely and waved at an empty chair for Humperdinck to join them. He grabbed a plate and helped himself to a few small items on the table and sat to eat. He found quickly that his mouth wasn't sore at all and worked just fine. He reloaded the plate again with huge portions and sat to eat in earnest.

They watched in silence as he made quick work of the food and looked around the table for anything he had missed on the previous two passes. It was only then that he saw that they were watching him. "Sorry, I haven't been eating well the past few days and this morning everything just tasted so good."

"If you keep eating like that, no one will recognize you when you get back" joked Inigo. Humperdinck and the rest had a chuckle over that idea, but he did push his plate away from in front of him in a small show of willpower. He asked Stephen his opinion of when the ransom would be paid.

"I haven't any idea; I'm not part of the kidnapping committee. Ask him" he said, pointing at Inigo.

"We didn't put a limit on the time to respond; quite frankly the idea never occurred to us. We don't even care about the demands; we just wanted the time to talk to you and try to convince you that we just want to be left alone to live in peace. That's why we didn't ask for very much. When the time came we'd even planned to give the ransom back to Florin somehow. We're pretty new at this; it isn't like we're following directions in a how-to book. We do have someone from the _Revenge_ hanging around the courtyard that is to receive the reply when it comes." He shrugged his shoulders.

"Now that I've seen kidnapping from both sides, I can't say I approve; but then again I can't think of any other way to have gotten through to me."

Stephen considered this. "If Florin follows its usual business, a courier will bring the reply and give it to your spy Nathan. He'll then bring it to the courtyard and give it to Inigo's man. Then we'll have an idea. Come to think of it, a boat was seen early this morning just up the shore to the north. Perhaps the reply is already in Guilderton."

Stephen got up and walked to a window that overlooked the courtyard. Below, two men were talking. One was the spy Nathan. The other was a man with a feathered hat. "Can't say I really like the hat" commented Stephen.

The others rushed to the window to see, just in time to witness a note being passed to the man in the hat. Humperdinck made a move as if to rush out but Stephen stayed him with a hand on his arm. "Let it play out" Stephen said. After handing over the note, Nathan quickly left without waiting for a reply. The man in the hat started walking toward the castle entrance. "Let's get down to the throne room and receive the reply" suggested Stephen. They all trooped down as a group just in time to meet the man from the _Revenge_. He confirmed that his contact claimed to have connections with Florin, and handed over the note that was given to him. He handed the note to Inigo, who opened it and read it aloud.

He sighed. "I wonder if kidnappings ever go right?" he asked as he handed the note to Humperdinck, who read both the original ransom demand and the reply on the other side in silence.

"Your plan didn't work" said Stephen. "What are you going to do now? Regardless of what ransom demand was rejected, you can't just keep Humperdinck here his entire life." Ruby thought feverishly for a moment; no, she decided that wouldn't be right.

"Westley and Fezzik are still gone to see Buttercup's family" added Inigo, "maybe they'll have an idea when they get back."

"No!" The force of Humperdinck's answer surprised even himself. He continued after forcing his voice to be calmer. "The plan has worked, although the end game has changed somewhat." He turned more directly to Stephen and Ruby. "I owe you a great deal of gratitude for what you have shown and taught me during my time here. I may have been born to be a king, but I really didn't know HOW to be a king. What opportunities I may have had with my father were squandered in my youth; I regret it but cannot dwell on the fact. For I have been shown things my eyes have not noticed before about how to be a GOOD king. I have searched myself and find that I do love my country and my people, but it has been my shortcomings that prevented any type of real connection before."

"But you can't just sail into Florin City and take up the crown again" said Stephen. "If I understand how things are going there, this Andy person would give back the throne easily enough. Something else is going on; this whole fabrication of enemies surrounding and threatening Florin speaks of other motives from someone else. I would caution that you could be intercepted and your return never be known to Andy or the people. They probably have ports and roads being watched."

"Then I shall sneak in. Very little attention is made of the borderland with Escudo. I shall make my way to Florin that way, or die in the attempt. There is nothing to be said against it; I am going." Humperdinck said the last part with the finality suited to a king.

"Maybe not said against it" said Stephen, "but maybe a little help will ease your journey. Guilder has good relations with Escudo and its King Sean. I will send you with one of our ambassadors that have been there and are known to the court as soon as we can arrange a boat..."

"...and I am that ambassador" added Ruby "and will see you safely there..."

"...and I shall sail you" concluded Inigo, "not on the _Revenge_ which would be noticed, but by a smaller boat. She's fairly fast, and a lot less obvious. We can sail within the hour."

And so it was. Inigo grabbed his sea bag from the _Revenge_ and while on board asked Contessa to sail to Inti to pick up Max and bring him back to the castle. Lon packed a bag with Humperdinck's things and Ruby gathered some supplies for the trip. They all boarded the smaller _Amigo_ and set sail for Escudo.

After setting course the three relaxed for the journey. Before long Humperdinck spoke up.

"Inigo, you are the final person I need to apologize to for my actions, although sometime later I must do the same to the people of Florin. I ordered the destruction of your home and possibly even the loss of your life based on false information that was given to me. Even though I believe it was for the best of my kingdom, I should have required greater proof before sending Tu on the tasks."

"There is no need to apologize; I believe that you were set up to make just a decision. And in an odd way, it might be for the better for me. You see," Inigo continued "I wasn't happy where I was. It was a nice house, but even filled with my things it was empty. It's hard to explain, but I wasn't mad being left with a pile of ashes. I was put out-literally-but only lost things. I've come to realize that I want something else in my life." Inigo told the story of how Rugen had murdered his father and his twenty year quest to avenge him. After that it was three years as the Dread Pirate Roberts, but he grew weary of that life. "I love swords and swordplay, but strangely I don't care to fight anymore. But between us I feel as though we have buried the:

[dice: hatchet]

and I for one consider the matter closed."

Humperdinck considered this. "It's true that, short of abdication I have to be king, but you can do so much else if you wish. Did your father teach you anything about sword making before he was killed?"

"Even though I was only 11, he had already begun to teach me the skills he had learned. I loved my father and would have learned whatever profession he was in. If my father had been a dairy farmer I would be milking cows because that's what he did."

"Then why not become a sword maker? You already have some of the skills, you watched your father work, and you have a great perspective as a master swordsman. I'm going to help Fezzik rebuild his blacksmith shop, why not set aside a work area for your sword making? I would really like to help, and my kingdom could always use better swords. And better swordsmen for that matter" Humperdinck chuckled.

Inigo smiled. "The idea has a certain allure to it; I shall consider your offer. And one last thing while I think of it; reconsider your apology to the people of Florin. From my days as a captain I learned that you can't show too much weakness to your crew or they will lack confidence in you and start to doubt your decisions. As a king you shouldn't show such weakness either. Perhaps instead you could say that you have learned some ways that are even better than what is being done right now. Remember to project your confidence so that the people can share in it too. At least" he concluded "I'd do that if I were a king."

"Care to trade places for a short time? Even a day?" Humperdinck asked.

"Never."


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

"So tell me about Humperdinck. What is he like?" Daffodil pestered her sister yet another time while they were sitting in the boat. She wanted to learn as much as she could about him before making a play to become the next betrothed to the king of Florin.

Buttercup, who loved her sister, could think of several unsister-like things she could do to get her to be quiet on their trip back to Guilder. She already tried ignoring her, changing the subject or just telling her to be quiet but none of it worked for long. Seeing no other way, she started meting out small bits, guessing rightly that Daffy would pick up and run with whatever she got into her too vivid imagination. Buttercup described the castle, the servants, Humperdinck's late parents she had met, and what a great hunter and tracker he was. Daffy had been in Florin City before, so she was uninterested in anything said about that. Buttercup soon was able to say less and less as Daffy became more talkative about how wonderful and exciting the whole thing must be and how wonderful it could all work out until finally it seemed that only one person was talking and nobody, including Buttercup, was listening. She looked up at her husband standing by the port rail and noticed a small piece of material stuffed into his ear. She smiled and admired his foresight.

Daffodil didn't notice the difference that no one was listening anymore.

...

The _Amigo_ made port in Escudo at the capitol of Primo. Inigo tied the boat to the pier and joined Humperdinck and Ruby, leaving the mate from the _Revenge_ behind to stay with the boat. Unlike Florin and Guilder, the modest castle in Escudo sat near the water. Ruby lead the way having been in the city before, and in short time they were at the entrance to the castle. She asked the guard to announce herself and two guests to King Sean and request an audience quickly. The guard complied and disappeared, leaving behind his partner who was friendly but still remained alert. Before too long the first guard returned with a "The King will see you now" and led them into the castle throne room.

As has been mentioned, the castle was much smaller than Florin's or even Guilder's. It was of a single level except for a single slim tower towards the center, and the throne room was proportionately smaller. On the throne sat a man of young to middle age, with a somewhat darker complexion than Inigo but similar height and build. He was bearded and wore a simple crown, but the one item that caught the visitor's attention was the eyepatch over his left eye. It was black, and in the center was set a red gemstone that cast red

[dice: light rays]

in a burst around it when the light caught it right. As they approached he stood and stepped down from the throne and walked over to meet them.

"Ruby, it is so good to see you again" said the king as he took her hands in greeting. Never one to stand on great formality, he always preferred to meet people on their level rather than from an elevated throne. "I am told that your visit is of an urgent nature. Who are your friends?"

"This man is Inigo Montoya whom I've told you about previously." The king shook hands with Inigo and asked that he be called "Sean" while in private. Inigo liked him already. "And this man I haven't mentioned at all before because we've only become acquainted recently. May I present King Humperdinck from Florin."

Sean's smile dropped and he hesitated. He knew Humperdinck's reputation but never expected him to ever walk into his castle, and certainly not dressed as a citizen. He recovered from his shock quickly and smiled again, extending his hand. "Call me Sean please. May I do the same?"

"No, calling me the same name would be confusing. Call me Humperdinck" the Florin leader teased. Sean laughed and shook his hand. Ruby chuckled and marveled; just a week ago Humperdinck would not have been capable of a joke like that. "Sorry about that, but some of my hosts' levity seems to have rubbed off on me while in Guilder" he apologized.

They retired to a room that offered both privacy and seating. The three visitors quickly filled in Sean with the important parts of the events leading up to their arrival. He seemed quite interested, particularly in Humperdinck's experiences and his impressions of Guilder. After the summation finished, Sean spoke.

"Your plan may not have a great chance of success, but I can think of no better one. However, there is a fly in the ointment, so to speak. As you know, Florin has spies in all our kingdoms. Your spy here has the name of Harry Lowbrow. He usually reports to a contact that comes around every three or four weeks and we pretty much just let him be, for we have no secrets save one. That one secret has now been compromised and at this moment he is riding back to Florin with the news.

"What secret if I may ask?" asked Humperdinck.

"There is no point in keeping it from you now. Escudo has always been of no interest to other kingdoms because we appear to be somewhat poor and have little to export besides some minerals in our hills. We keep a low profile on purpose, but in truth our hills have a gemstone mine worth a fortune and only now is beginning to be exploited. Even this gem in my eyepatch is but a small example of what we have. This secret is known by many people here, but we keep it to ourselves except to trusted friends." He nodded to Ruby.

"Of course my family knows" said Ruby. "That's where my brother and I got our names!"

"Yes, Stephen and his family know. But we've kept the news private otherwise; I'm surprised I'm telling you now except that you seem quite different than the Humperdinck I've heard of these many years."

"Well," said Humperdinck "you might say that I've been enlightened from the state I was in as recently as two weeks ago. But one thing that has not changed is that I am still King of Florin, and have no greater desire than to return to my kingdom and set things right. Now it seems we have extra incentive. How long ago did Lowbrow leave?"

"Almost exactly one day ago. He was seen with a pack riding out of town in the direction of Florin. I fear it is too late now." Sean sighed and his shoulders visibly slumped.

Humperdinck rose and walked over to Sean, placing his hand on his shoulder. "Hear me now. It is a four day journey to Florin and not the easiest of travels. If I can leave in an hour I can catch him before he reaches Florin and your secret will be safe, I swear it by..." He paused.

"What?" asked Sean.

"Sorry, I was just thinking that the old me threw that phrase around in such a way it had no value or, truth be told, validity. Let me say this: I swear it on the life of my dear mother, died of a broken heart after losing the man she loved for 60 years." He concluded with a slight tremor in his voice.

Inigo understood, Ruby had a silent gasp, and even Sean was visibly moved. "News of your parents' passing reached even Escudo. I've lost both of my adoptive parents, so I understand your loss and accept your oath fully. Please, rest and eat while some supplies are prepared. I will send a company of men with you..."

"Thank you but no" interjected Humperdinck. "A smaller group travels faster and speed is of the utmost."

"True, but it will not be an easy journey." He summoned a page and gave him directions, after which the page hurried away. "I will do this; I will have two of my best men travel with you for a day to help in any way they can, including carrying the bulk of your supplies. After that you will be less taxed for the rest of your journey. But I caution you the folly of one person traveling alone over great distance. Too many things can happen."

"He will not be traveling alone; I'm going along" Ruby piped in. Before Humperdinck could object she continued. "Inigo must go back to Guilder to update everyone else as to what has happened and to plan. Think about it; you are going to need some support when you get there in" she thought for a moment "three days, if my father is right and someone is up to something and willing to keep you away from the throne. I am a physically fit adult who can make her own decisions, and as the representative of Guilder we will see this through and put things right." A smile appeared on her face. "Now nod your head and tell me what a good idea that is."

Humperdinck nodded and agreed. And meant it.

...

Of all the confounded luck, thought Andy back in Florin, I have to run a kingdom and now I've come down with an illness. He mopped the sweat from his brow and sat back on the throne. He had felt tired for days, but had attributed it to the demands of leadership. It now seemed that his increasing lethargy and exhaustion was something anyone could catch. He prescribed himself plenty of fluids and rest and told the attending page that he was going to his room to rest should he be needed for anything.

Later that day when Tu came into the throne room with a question for Andy he was informed by the page of the regent's retiring for a rest. No, he told the page, don't bother his rest. He was sure the matter could wait.

Until I take over the duties, he thought to himself.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

"They refused?!" Westley was beside himself as he read the note from Andy. He, Fezzik and Buttercup had just returned from her family's farm with her sister Daffodil in tow. "They're fools; there is no other explanation. We kept the ransom low so they could easily pay it and get Humperdinck back; now it looks like they don't even want him! Sure, he's a little used but I like to think he's just broken in now; maybe even better than before." He handed the note back to Stephen.

Stephen set the note down on a table. "Before they left I told them what I thought about the note. And the greater amount of thought I put into it afterward the surer I am that there is something else going on. I just don't know this Andy and cannot say what else it might be."

"I think I know him, at least I think I did" added Max. He had arrived with Contessa aboard the _Revenge_ shortly before Westley and company had returned from Florin. "He was smart and ambitious, yes, but not for power. He loves his country as much as the next person, but he never showed any signs of wanting to run things. He even passed on a few chances he had with some businesses while I was teaching him. But then again I never thought he'd be a party to pushing me out of my job either."

"Maybe he had a head injury or got replaced by an evil twin" suggested Fezzik. "Maybe he joined a circus and rides an

[dice: elephant]

while juggling." Greta coughed and elbowed Fezzik who didn't even notice.

"In any case" counseled Stephen "I suggest we wait for Inigo to return from Escudo. Then we can plan our next step."

"We?"

"Okay, you can plan your next step. I'll just stick around and be a king. Just do me a favor and watch out for my Ruby."

...

Humperdinck and Ruby waved farewell to the escort that was now heading back to Primo. They had ridden until the light had dimmed to the point Lowbrow's trail could not be followed. Fortunately the weather was with them and neither wind nor rain washed away the traces of his journey. Ruby thought that even if the weather had been poor, Humperdinck would have prevailed in following the trail. He sharp eye and intuition helped find the occasional stumble, dropped item or broken branch along the way. Even scratches in rock turned out to be from the hooves of Lowbrow's horse.

"We made good time today" said Humperdinck as he reclined on a blanket by their fire, "from what I can tell we've made up quite a few hours already considering we passed his first campsite several hours ago. It's fortunate he doesn't know he's being followed; prey moves quicker when it knows it's being pursued."

Ruby studied Humperdinck in the firelight. The man seemed to be glowing, and not just from the fire. There was a look in his eye she had not seen before, one of focus and energy and, well, life. Even though he was laying down, his head still moved sharply about as he took in his surroundings; it was almost as if he was smelling the land.

"I can just about smell the land" continued Humperdinck with a slight pause. "Hunting and tracking has always been my greatest passion, but affairs of state the last few years have kept me from doing it. Now with so much on the line, it seems as though my senses are at their height. I think with just a little effort I could hear your heart beat."

Ruby laughed and looked away quickly. Maybe you can she thought, it's almost deafening me. "Could it be that the prospect of getting the throne back adds to your anticipation?"

"I don't think so" he responded as he rolled on his back to stare at the stars. "I'm anxious to get back and start over doing things better, certainly. But in my mind I was born to be on the throne, have been there, and shall be again. I'm trying to think of these past weeks as more of a 'study abroad' situation, although I must say the subject and methods are a bit unorthodox. Don't you wonder what it will be like when you are the Queen of Guilder?"

"I won't be the queen. I gave up my claim to the throne years ago in favor of my brother. It's not official yet of course, but it has been entered in the family journal and will come to light when my father passes on. If something should happen to my brother then I'll rescind my decision, but I'd rather not unless necessary."

"Why? You don't want to lead your country? Think of all the good you can do."

"Oh I don't mind the idea of leading a country" Ruby answered as she also laid on her back to look at the stars, "but every boy I've met growing up wanted to marry me because I was going to be queen, not because of who I am. This way I get someone who wants me for the person I am, not my station in life. And I can still do a lot of good without being queen. I don't have to be sitting on a throne like Sean to help my people. Besides, I wouldn't look good with a patch over my right eye."

"Left eye" corrected Humperdinck.

"No, remember when he hugged us before we rode out he had a patch on his right eye with a blue gem."

"Yes, but when he greeted us when we first arrived it was a red gem on his left eye." They turned and looked at each other, puzzled. They both then returned to their backs and continued looking for shooting stars and contemplating royal rule until sleep overtook the pair.

...

This is by far the sickest I've ever been in my life, thought Andy. There is nothing but to rest and recover from whatever it is. He summoned a page and sent for Tu. When he arrived Andy called him over to his bed.

"It looks like I'm going to be sick for a few days longer. In the meantime, I want you to run things until I can get my strength back. If something comes up that you're unsure of, you can always consult me here."

"It shall be done, Regent" replied Tu in his usual solemn tone. In his head he added "I'm sure nothing will come up...for me." He left Andy and hurried to the kitchen to speak with Elle.

"The Regent is in poor health" he said aloud so the kitchen staff could hear. "I am in charge until he recovers. Be sure to supply his needs in his room until then." He took Elle aside and in lowered voice continued. "Could the poison be working this quickly?"

"It varies from person to person my love" cooed Elle. "I have read of cases like this where the person was affected quickly, while others took months. Consider how much more fortunate for him to suffer the least amount of time; after all, we're not cruel." She smiled from pride at her seeming humanity.

...

"Then we haven't much time" concluded Inigo, "if we are to coordinate with Humperdinck's arrival at Florin City. We know the day, time and we even know about where they will be. What can be done to help?"

Daffodil, having no Humperdinck to attach herself to, looked Inigo up and down. She batted her eyes at him but he wasn't paying attention. If she couldn't marry a king, then being a retired pirate's wife would be nice. He probably had some nice treasure buried somewhere.

"I have an idea." They all turned to Stephen. "Sun Tzu would probably say our best chance of success would be to reduce our opponent's numbers as low as possible. I suggest a diversion; if they don't want Humperdinck back we shall give him to them, but not the way they expect. He was taken by ship; they would probably expect him to return the same way. What do you think would happen if the _Revenge_ was sighted sailing in from the north?"

"The forces of Florin would be deployed to the north" said Westley.

"Let 'em try" said Contessa, "I'll take out their so-called fleet." Contessa WAS paying attention to Daffodil and gave her a look that would melt iron.

"We're not trying to destroy anybody or anything" chided Stephen. "Be flashy, make noise, stay out of range, but annoy them to no end. Keep them busy while Humperdinck and my daughter slip in from the south. Westley, you and Fezzik take the _Amigo_ and meet them on the southern border of Florin; get there a little early and wait for them. When you hear cannon fire you'll know it's time to make your move."

"I'm going too" said Max. "I know Andy better than anyone and I can find out what's going wrong if anyone can."

"Buttercup, Greta, you're with me on the _Revenge_ " said Contessa. "Congratulations - you're now pirates."

"And I'll stay here with Daffodil" bemoaned Stephen. "Someone always has to stay home."


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

"Something happened here and recently" said Ruby as they were stopped to look at an area scuffed up with tracks. Humperdinck carefully paced the perimeter of the area observing several different types of trails before returning to the center.

"There was an incident" he said. "It looks like a snake scared the horse and Lowbrow was thrown off. The horse ran off toward the east, the snake went to the west, and Lowbrow continued on foot to the north with the use of a walking stick, probably from that brush over there. I found some of his equipment hidden in the brush as well. It's several hours walk to Florin and it looks like he wanted to make it before sundown."

"Let's hurry as well" suggested Ruby, "we should be able to catch him easily enough."

"Catch up to him yes; I still don't know what to do after we reach him. I may have to banish him to Escudo to keep their secret; that can wait until we reach him." They both remounted and rode north. Humperdinck was delighted that Ruby seemed to be picking up the skills of tracking.

In less than an hour they reached a slope of sand with a clump of bushes at the bottom. A trail of footsteps led up the slope. They tied their horses to the bushes and started a climb up the slope for a better view. Half way up a figure emerged nearing the summit above them. Humperdinck shouted "Lowbrow!" and the figure turned and disappeared over the top. Humperdinck raced up the slope with Ruby in close pursuit. Reaching the top first Humperdinck paused and swung his arms wildly. Just before falling forward Ruby reached the top and grabbed his tunic and pulled him back against her. Time stopped as they stood face to face catching their breath, only to begin again as a loud cry came from below. Looking down, the other side of the slope dropped nearly straight away for 100 feet to a rocky surface below.

At the bottom lay the twisted form of Lowbrow, his cries diminishing while he still continued to move slightly. Humperdinck and Ruby rushed along the ridge and down one side to the bottom where Lowbrow lay. Humperdinck kneeled beside him and turned his head slightly. "Your Highness, you're alive" Lowbrow croaked out.

"Yes I am. There was a misunderstanding but I'm on my way back to Florin now."

"No," Lowbrow said weakly "you should be dead. Tu has been poisoning you for over a month. His wife has been putting it on your dates." His breathing was becoming more labored. "I found out and Tu threatened me, my wife and family if I told anyone. Was going to buy my...family's safety with secret..now it doesn't matter for me."

"I'm not poisoned; I haven't been eating the dates. But Tu and Elle Whithu will pay for their actions, you have my word. A man or woman must protect their family, and for that reason I forgive you for holding your tongue. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"Keep my family safe and...and..." Lowbrow started to answer before his body became still. For many minutes Humperdinck knelt over the body without speaking. When he straightened up he wiped the few tears from his eyes that the warm winds had not already dried. "That is the first death I have ever witnessed." A steely resolve came over his face and steadiness returned to his voice. "It will not be the last."

...

The _Amigo_ lay beached on the southern shore of Florin and three sets of footprints led away into the low foothills that became the northern border of Escudo. They had guessed that Humperdinck and Ruby would most likely come through the central pass simply because any other route would take too long. Only a small copse of trees lay between them and Florin City. If by some chance Lowbrow were to emerge from the pass they had to stop him at all costs.

Max was going through his inventory of items in his travel bag carried by Fezzik. "I could make a smoke pot to signal if you'd like" he offered.

"I don't think so," said Westley "we don't want to announce ourselves to the wrong people. No, we need to hide ourselves the best we can and wait for someone to come through."

"How about three someones?" said Fezzik as he pointed to the south. In the distance there came two horses; one with a rider and the other with a body draped behind its rider.

...

In the castle Tu was quite content as he sat upon the throne and swirled his wine in a goblet. It wouldn't be long before Andy was gone and he would be head of the country. Soon he would have Elle help him write a speech of succession much like she helped him with the fictitious intelligence reports. He'd probably need to find a new Captain of the Guard but...

Tu's thoughts were interrupted when one of his observers rushed in.

"Sir, there has been a sighting of the _Intrepid_ sailing into our waters from the north. What shall we do?" Of course no one here knew that the _Intrepid_ was really the _Revenge_.

Tu sat with his mouth hanging open. "Errrrrr..." What was the _Intrepid_ doing back? They were told there was going to be no payment, and Humperdinck would be dead by now. The only explanation was a trick, and the only way to stop it was by keeping the _Intrepid_ from reaching shore. "Alert our ships to intercept and sink her" ordered Tu, "they have already stolen and killed our king; now they are back for more. Order all our soldiers to deploy along the northern shore in case she tries to land fighters. Put extra guards at the docks in case they make it that far." The observer ran out to relay the orders.

Tu looked down and saw a fly had landed in his drink. What a wonderful metaphor he thought.

...

Aboard the _Revenge_ Contessa was explaining to Greta and Buttercup the strategy she and Inigo had already worked out. This time there was the threat of danger so she had taken over control of the ship to work better with the crew that already knew her.

"We've been ordered not to hurt them, but we can sure get their attention" said Contessa. "We're going to sail straight at them until their ships come out to intercept us. I'm sure they've already seen us, so it's just a matter of time until they can get their men out onto the water." A call from up in the lookout moments later confirming that masts could be seen moving out of the port.

"When we get fairly close we're going to give them a pair of 'Hello' shots from our bow cannon to let them know we see them. At that point we turn to port as if to outflank them. They only have cannons on their broadsides so they will turn to present arms and only then see we've continued our turn and are heading out. After that we just keep them busy without getting hit ourselves."

"Not after all the work we've been doing fixing her up!" grinned Greta. Besides helping Contessa on the refitting of the ship, Greta was also one of the ablest of crew to move heavy things around including the portable bow cannon.

In short order the ships closed much of the distance between them until Contessa judged they were just out of range. "Drop two shots in front of them!" she commanded and the ship shook from the firing. "Hard to port ninety degrees!" The ship pitched and swung around toward the new course. A crewmember in the rigging screamed and fell to land on a pile of rope.

"Is he alright?" asked Buttercup as she rushed to check him out.

"Wilhelm will be fine. He always screams like that when he falls" chided Contessa. Inigo tapped her shoulder and pointed. She looked to starboard and saw that the _Zephyr_ and the _Boreas_ had broken from each other and were taking opposite courses.

This should be interesting she thought.

...

Humperdinck, Ruby, Westley, Fezzik and Max made their way through the woods on foot towards the castle. They led their horses which carried the body of Lowbrow and the remaining supplies, while off in the distance the sound of cannon fire was beginning to be heard. While Humperdinck led, Max followed in the rear; not from lack of stamina but because he wanted to keep as far away from Humperdinck as possible while still keeping an eye on him. He would have preferred to not see him at all, but if this is what it took to get to Andy so be it.

"Fezzik" said Westley, "you were here when Inigo found the knot switch on the tree. Could you find it again?" Westley was not very enthusiastic about going into the Pit of Despair where his life force had been drained from him, but there was no other way into the castle without a possible fight.

Humperdinck had explained that when his father was a child the kingdom, prompted by the church, had experimented for a time with the banning of alcoholic beverages. During that time the pit was used as a room where trusted people could enter with a password and sit and drink the forbidden spirits without fear of discovery. This included the royal family, who had a passage made between the castle and the room that came to be known as a "talkfreely". So even though Rugen had spoken of the tree being the only secret entrance, in fact there was a secret secret entrance that would serve them today. Unfortunately he hadn't been paying much attention when Rugen used the knot switch in his presence.

"That's not a problem," answered Fezzik "I can still see it in my mind. It should be over this way." He led the group off at an angle and stopped short in front of a large off-color oak trunk missing all of its branches. "It's this one right here" he said and he pushed on a knot. It depressed and a grinding sound could be heard for a few seconds before stopping. Nothing changed so Fezzik pushed again. The sounds started again but stopped more quickly. Further pushes produced nothing.

"I think the

[dice: gears]

must be jammed or rusted" said Fezzik with a shrug. They all stepped back from the trunk a distance and several walked around it looking for anything obvious. Fezzik even tried ramming the door to no effect.

Humperdinck turned to Max. "Max, I'm sorry now for firing you from your position. I was told by Rugen that you had become ill and were going senile and unable to perform your duties so I hired his suggestion as your replacement. I see now that I should have investigated myself, but that is cold comfort to you at this moment. But we could use your skills right now; what we need is a miracle to get inside."

...

Some say that miracles must be asked for; others say that coincidence provides them and that opportunists claim them as their own. Regardless of whether one, both, neither or a combination of the two is right, the following events did happen:

Contessa called for a "Rainbow shot" to be fired by the big cannon over the two Florin ships to land in the water behind them.

The cannonball used was lighter than the others in the stockpile.

The cannon was loaded with too much gunpowder.

The angle of the cannon, combined with the roll of the ship when it was fired, provided the optimal setting for maximum distance.

The rotation of the ship pointed the cannon just upwind of the pit entrance.

A large flock of geese flying nearby had just flown the point of their 'V' formation past the ship.

Thus it was that Contessa and crew watched as the fired cannonball sailed over the _Zephyr_ , the _Boreas_ , through the open part of the geese's 'V' and over Florin's castle before disappearing into the trees beyond. "Kinda missed that one boys" was all she said before returning to navigational matters.

...

"I'm just an old miracle man" exclaimed Max. "I can't just pull a miracle out of thin air."

Just then a whizzing noise grew louder from overhead. Westley, who knew a few things about cannonballs, barely had time to yell "Watch out!" before it struck, scattering wood splinters and pieces everywhere. Everyone but Fezzik was thrown back by the impact; the horses were scared but fortunately didn't break their tethers.

Max scrambled quickly to his feet. "Tah-dah!" he yelled. "Just don't ask me to do that again. Now just don't stand there Fezzik, give me my bag." He looked down into the stairs revealed by the smashed trunk. "I'll need my tinderbox to light torches. Come on!"

Fezzik handed Max the bag and told him "Hey Max, good luck storming the castle!"

Humperdinck turned to Ruby. "These horses should be taken to the castle for safe keeping and to return the body of Lowbrow. If you go straight in that direction you'll come to the castle wall; just follow it around to the right and you'll find a hitching post area near the front gate. Tie the horses and meet me inside the castle; tell the gate guard that I brought the body back. I'm asking you because I trust you can do it, okay? Please? You don't know your way around the castle and we might be moving pretty fast; I plan on making quite a noise when I get there. We'll be fine, and if not you can rescue us from the other side."

Ruby bit her lip but agreed and went to go lead the horses away.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

"Be careful with that torch, don't get it too close to me" Humperdinck commented over his shoulder as he led the group on its way down the corridor, one that hadn't been used in many decades. Fezzik brought up the rear, guarding against anybody that might try to surprise them from behind.

"What happened to the talkfreely" asked Fezzik from behind.

"It didn't last very long" said Humperdinck. "When people found out they didn't have alcohol to blame for their bad decisions, support disappeared and the ban was lifted."

"It probably was a lot easier than trying to make more responsible life choices" added Max wryly.

"Where does this lead?" asked Westley, already trying to work a strategy for the entrance into the castle.

"The door used to open into an empty space in the kitchen" answered Humperdinck, "but I think there is a storage bin there now. We may have to shift it a bit to get out." As he said this last bit they drew up to a wooden door with cobwebs across it.

"I smell food" said Fezzik as his mouth started to water.

"I'm told we often keep food in the kitchen" joked Humperdinck. He lowered his voice again after chuckling. "Hold my torch Fezzik; I'm going to pull the door open now. Hmmm, that smell is familiar. It reminds me of..."

As the door swung open, a wall of potatoes collapsed on Humperdinck and Westley. "...potatoes." he finished. Only the contents of the lower potato bin had fallen and there was still a wall of them ahead. However, light did shine through in a few spots so it would be passable.

In the kitchen Elle and several of the staff were preparing a meal despite the occasional sound of cannon fire from the water. Much to their surprise a hand suddenly thrust itself out of the pile of potatoes, then an arm and head. A figure tumbled onto the floor, and then slowly straightened to reveal his face. Dirty and a bit unshaven, it was a face that was nevertheless recognizable as the king to the staff that were frozen in mid-task as they stared.

"Ummm" Humperdinck said, straightening and standing with as much dignity as could be managed while being covered in potato dirt, cobwebs and soot. He hadn't really planned his entrance, so he went with the obvious. "I'm back."

Most of the staff rushed to greet him with the exception of Elle who backed away and fled out the door. Humperdinck noticed and quickly helped the others through the bin and into the kitchen. He questioned the staff and found out where Tu and Andy were, and Andy's ill condition. "Max, you go check on Andy. Fezzik, guard the exit to make sure no one leaves this way. Westley, you follow me to the throne room."

...

Tu looked out the window upon the sea battle. For all the noise and movement, remarkably nothing had happened. It was like a giant chess match with two sides maneuvering for the advantage before the kill. Despite the lack of any hits, already more was happening militarily today than in his lifetime. He heard running footsteps behind him and turned to see Elle breathlessly run in to the room.

"I...don't know how..." she was gasping for breath from exertion and fear, "but...Humperdinck is here."

Curses! Thought Tu. Maybe if he could be captured quickly the situation could be saved.

"He's brought help with him."

That decided the matter. "We have to make a run for it." He grabbed her arm and started toward the side door.

"Not that way, he will probably come the same way I did. Use the front."

"Don't worry, we have a detour first." They went out the side door and made a sharp turn down a hallway. After passing a few doors he said "Wait" and ducked into Andy's room. Gone but a few seconds, he reemerged with a bottle and continued with their flight toward the castle gate.

...

Humperdinck started his journey to the throne room, but immediately hailed a member of the guard that he came across and explained that he had returned safely, but Tu and Elle were under arrest and to block them leaving through the castle gate immediately. The guard ran off toward the gate and Humperdinck continued on to the throne room.

The throne room was empty as Humperdinck entered. Looking around quickly, he dashed to the window and looked out. Cannons still fired occasionally from the ships as they danced their dance in the water. Humperdinck ran back to the throne, reached under, withdrew a brass horn and ran to the balcony outside the room.

...

Contessa brought the ship around again toward the north. It was getting harder and harder to stay out of reach of Florin's ships. The nearer ship launched a shot that soared through the air and holed the _Revenge's_ main sail, luckily only hitting fabric before splashing into the sea on the other side.

"All right, that's enough. That ship is going down!" shouted Contessa.

Inigo grabbed Contessa by the shoulder, turned her toward him and apologized with a "Sorry I have to do this" and kissed her full on the lips. Stunned, she stood there unmoving. "Contessa my love, we cannot damage them because they are not the enemy. Run away if we have to and re-engage again, but do not hit them!" He released her shoulders and waited.

Her stunned look came back to reality in a few moments. She was just about to give the order to sail away when a trumpet blast sounded from the castle, heard even in the ships. "All Florin assemble at the castle" uttered Wilhelm, translating the musical call. And surely enough, both of Florin's ships immediately disengaged and turned back toward port, leaving the _Revenge_ by itself.

"I think that's our cue to join the party back on land" said Inigo. "Good or bad, the others must have gotten to the castle."

"Head her back to the docks men!" shouted Contessa, her composure regained. "We've drawn our cards; let's see how the hand plays out." She lowered her voice so only Inigo could hear as she continued "We'll talk about that 'my love' bit later."

...

While Humperdinck and Westley ran off to the throne room, Max left Fezzik in the kitchen and, carrying his bag, made his way to Andy's room. He knew it well, since it was his old workshop when he was the king's miracle man. Down the hall he saw two people running away from the room. When he entered the room a wave of nostalgia flooded him, but it was quickly washed away with concern when he spotted Andy on a low bed off to one side. He hurried over and knelt beside him, putting his hand on his forehead and feeling for a pulse in his wrist.

Andy opened his eyes and looked at Max for a moment before focusing his eyes. "Maximus?" he asked as he raised his head. This was a pet name that no one but Andy used for Max.

"I'm here Andy. You don't look too good. How do you feel?"

"What are you doing here? Rugen...said you were senile and useless" he said in a weak voice.

"Useless?! Who do you think brought Westley back to life? Maybe I can't climb a tree like I used to or stay up for a week straight, but I've still got plenty of kick in me!" Max calmed himself down and repeated the question "How do you feel?"

"I think I've...been poisoned. From what I can tell, it's probably...rarium or something like it. There's a bottle over there...shelf somewhere. Too bad no cure; couldn't...discover one...no time." His head fell back on the pillow. Max went over to the work table with his bag.

...

Tu and Elle dashed to the end of the hall and through a door that led to the main entry room of the castle. His plans to exit the courtyard were dashed when he saw several guards at the main gate who drew swords at his appearance. He considered trying to fight his way through when people started streaming through the gate into the courtyard. There was no way he'd be able to get through that crowd.

"Back to Andy's" he said as they reversed their course and retraced their steps. They both ran into the room and shut the door behind them and bolted it, only to turn around and find that an old man was working at the table. Andy still lay on his bed.

Humperdinck, having sounded the 'Come all' call, came back into the throne room where Westley waited. They contemplated their next step as the sound of cannon fire ceased. "The main gate is blocked and Fezzik guards the kitchen so they must have gone somewhere in the castle to hold up."

Westley considered. "Who's the most valuable person in the castle?"

"Andy" answered Humperdinck with no hesitation.

"Then that is where they went, for a hostage if nothing else" concluded Westley. They ran through the side door and then down the hall to Andy's room, pulling up in front of the closed door. Trying the door and finding it bolted shut, Humperdinck pounded on it and called for Max.

"Oh, I'm here and I'm alright. Andy's here too but he's in pretty bad shape. I've got two scared rabbits by the door right now who seem to moving pretty good."

"Tu" commanded Humperdinck "you are under arrest for poisoning the Regent and trying to poison the King of Florin. Open this door now!"

"He wasn't Regent when we poisoned him" offered Elle, who was immediately shushed by Tu.

Outside the door Westley drew Humperdinck away. "I think I have a key that will open the door" he said in a whisper. "Keep them talking while I go get it." Westley sprinted down the hall while Humperdinck carried on.

"Why did you do it? I promoted you to Captain of the Guard and chief enforcer."

"It's a fine job...for someone with no greater ambition or abilities. I have great plans for this country, and they can only be achieved by military might. We can't expand our borders without being strong, and we'll never have that with you as king."

Humperdinck was about to object when he heard voices down the hall. Westley was hurrying back with Fezzik in tow. Fezzik was complaining about always being used as a battering ram and never for his other talents.

Fezzik's last sentence was cut short by Humperdinck. "Fezzik, you are a good man. Your skills as a blacksmith are great, and you are a superb poet whose prose shows great depth and understanding. But poetry will not open this door right now."

"Good point." With a great effort Fezzik smashed into the door. Even with its thickness it bowed under the strain; however, the masonry on the bolt actually gave first and the door crashed open with a cloud of dust from mortar and stone. Momentum carried him into the room, followed by Westley and Humperdinck who quickly flanked him to look about.

"We shall never be taken alive" declared Tu defiantly. "You shall not have the pleasure of our executions to entertain the people when I drink this poison!" He pulled a small bottle from his tunic and drank half its contents. "Let it be said I went out like a man" he added as his mouth started to froth.

They waited as...nothing happened. Tu continued to stand defiantly and steady. A look of doubt crossed his face and he stared at the bottle. "Give me that!" shouted Elle and she wrenched the bottle from his grasp and read the label. "You idiot! You drank rug cleaner. That will teach you not to read." She reached over to the nearby shelf she had been eyeing and grabbed another bottle. She drank half and gave him the rest which he quaffed. Elle gloated as she declared "Iocane. That should do a better..."

She fell over dead.

Tu waited, but again nothing happened. "Hah, I guess I'm immune to poisons. Another reason I'm superior to you. You see, the strong survive while the weak perish. Your antiquated rule by family succession only leads to inbreeding, and the weak simply get weaker...and meeker. I, on the other hand, suffer from no such..."

Tu also fell dead.

Andy muttered softly and Max and Westley rushed to his side. Max bent over and put an ear to his mouth. "What is he saying?" asked Westley.

"He says you're crushing his hand." Westley backed off with an apology. Max stooped over again to listen. "He says only a few minutes left."

"Is there anything you can do?" Humperdinck implored.

Andy's body began to twitch and spasm. His leg jerked out and kicked a bucket that was lying by the foot of the bed. "What does that mean?" asked Humperdinck.

"It means you shouldn't put a bucket so close to the bed" answered Max testily. He put his hand on Andy's chest. "I've just made something that I've been researching for a while, but if I give it to him it might kill him."

"And if you don't give it to him?" Humperdinck countered.

"Since you put it that way, prop his head up." While Humperdinck held his head, Max retrieved a bottle and poured its contents down Andy's throat. "Now he needs some

[dice: sleep time]

and we'll see if he makes it." After a minute Andy stopped his spasms and he started to glow faintly.

"Is he supposed to do that?" asked Westley.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

After a few minutes Andy stopped glowing and began to breathe more easily. Tu and Elle, on the other hand, continued to not breathe. With the prevailing calm in the room, the sound that was coming through the window from the courtyard below could be heard; the sound of many people talking excitedly in anticipation of some event.

"Excuse me, what about the people?" asked Fezzik.

The old Humperdinck would have delegated the job to someone else, but that version was no longer king. "The people must be told of all that has happened, but now isn't the time for the full telling. They should know that I'm back and in no danger." He excused himself and made his way back to the throne room balcony, grabbing Andy's speaking cone in the process. Meanwhile, Westley and Fezzik made their way out to the castle entrance where they stood looking at the people.

Inigo, Contessa, Buttercup and Greta joined the crew of the _Revenge_ as they gathered outside the castle wall with whatever part of Florin couldn't fit inside the courtyard. Ruby, seeing a few familiar faces, joined the _Revenge_ crew as well. A hush fell over the crowd as people noticed the doors moving and then opening on the balcony. A deafening roar of approval rose from the crowd when their King Humperdinck stepped out to the edge and waved to the crowd. After allowing the crowd to let off a little energy, Humperdinck motioned for quiet and silence descended upon the courtyard and beyond.

"Good people of Florin" started Humperdinck before checking himself. "MY people of Florin. My address to you today shall be brief. I have returned safely from whence I was taken almost two weeks ago. Tonight, rest assured that those responsible for trying to harm me have met their end. However, I ask that you keep our Court Counselor Andy in your thoughts and prayers as he fights for his life from the harm done by those same people."

"The tale of my ordeal should be heard by all in Florin" he continued. "However, the tale is long and the hour is late. Therefore, for the next four days I shall give an accounting of that adventure at the tenth hour of the morning and again at the third hour after noon. I ask that you all find time to attend one of those times. Spread the word to all who are not here today so that they may listen as well. In two weeks' time the trumpet shall call again for everyone to come and I shall have further news for you. Thank you." The king waved again and went back in to the castle, closing the doors behind him.

Humperdinck asked his staff to make accommodation for his new friends to stay the night in the castle before an important conference the next morning during breakfast. After bidding everyone a good evening Humperdinck pretended to go to bed, but instead quietly stole down to Andy's room where he found Max.

"How is he?" the king asked.

"He's not worse. He might be getting better, I don't know" Max said as he shrugged. "I'm a miracle man, not an oracle."

"I'll stay and watch over him. You go get some rest and we'll meet in the morning with everyone else over breakfast."

"No. I stay with him until he wakes up or...doesn't."

"You really care for him, don't you?"

Max sat back and rubbed his eyes. "Andy is like the son we never had. He lived with Valerie and me for several years as he learned the craft. We ate, slept, worked, failed and achieved together. Until that Rugen fellow..." Max's voice trailed off.

Humperdinck nodded. "I trusted Rugen, and it seems my trust was misplaced in him and Tu. _'Quis custodiet ipsos custodes_?' as they say. That shall not happen again; I am going to take a more active role in the activities of my kingdom AND get to know the people around me." He extended his hand to Max. "We shall stand watch together tonight." Max took the offered hand.

"Deal."

The next morning the dawning light started to brighten the darkened room. Candles that had been lit were long burned out, and the two vigilant watchers were...asleep. Andy stirred and Max came instantly awake in such a jar that it woke up Humperdinck as well. The king was momentarily disoriented just where he was until he saw Max and Andy.

Max bent over Andy and shook him gently. He opened his eyes and a weak smile appeared on his face when he saw Max. "Hey there kid, how do you feel?" he asked.

"Really weak" answered Andy, "I feel lower than the belly of a

[dice: snake]

and I'm really thirsty, but I feel a lot better than I did..." he looked out the window at the daylight. "...yesterday?"

"You slept through the night" added Humperdinck, "although sometime during the early hours we nodded off too. Are you hungry?"

"No food thanks" said Andy.. "I'm just glad to be here." He took a sip of water offered by Max. "Who poisoned me? Was it Tu?"

"He and his wife. She was poisoning the dates I wouldn't eat. trying to kill me and they got you instead. Feel like running the country again?"

Andy shook his head with all the effort he could manage. "No, you can have it back. I'm not cut out to rule, I hate it. How do you manage?"

Humperdinck considered. "You have to love your country."

"I do, but it's more than that."

"I love my people."

"Maybe that's it. I love people, but I never really thought of them as 'my' people. What else do you have to love?"

"I love my new friends of course, if they'll consider me one. And my dear family now long gone. And now Ru..." His face showed shock as what he was about to say sank in.

"Ru?" asked Andy.

"...Ruby Amicitia, King Stephen of Guilder's daughter" answered Max with some satisfaction. "I thought there was something going on between you. Does she know?"

"I could never tell her," answered Humperdinck reluctantly "not after the way I've been and the things I've done."

"Listen to me as someone who's been around awhile" ordered Max. "You go talk to Ruby right now and see how she feels about things; you might just be surprised. If she doesn't want you, you're no worse off. If she does...well, you two can ruin the rest of your lives together instead of apart. Now go do it before you get wrapped up in your breakfast conference." He winked.

Humperdinck gave a nervous smile and hurried off.

"I guess there's some stuff I need to get caught up on" remarked Andy.

"Let me explain" began Max before he paused. "There isn't time to explain, let me sum up..."

From Andy's room Humperdinck cut through the main entrance to make his way toward the guest area. Although it was before breakfast, already some people were taking an early stroll arm in arm around various parts of the courtyard. Buttercup and Westley, Fezzik and Greta, Inigo and Contessa all seemed to be paired up and in conversation with each other. I'll do my talking in private thought Humperdinck as he headed toward Ruby's room.

...

A few hours later a conference was held of more importance than any other in Florin's history. Many issues were discussed but in the end several things were resolved.

Once a year there would be a day designated as 'Among the People Day' to be observed on the anniversary of Humperdinck's return home. It would be spent with the real people of Florin to participate in their lives and to learn more about the people he loved.

An institution of advanced learning to find and train the brightest of Florin to lead her in new ideas and inventions was to be founded. Leading this new direction would be the Court Counselor Andy Night Wolf and special advisor Miracle Max. As a result of the poison Andy's left leg was permanently weakened but in all other regards he was fully recovered and eager to begin.

Florin would rebuild Fezzik's blacksmith shop in Haypenne, with an expansion so that Inigo could master the craft of sword making. Fezzik had first right of contract for all non-military smithing for Florin for two years.

Inigo and Contessa would move to Haypenne to build a house that Contessa was already calling "The old pirates' retirement home", funded and furnished by their combined swag from careers on the sea; Inigo simply said they were "marrying their fortunes together."

Westley was to become the chief commerce consultant for Florin in its new relations with the surrounding countries. Trade would commence when suitable ships could be built or repurposed.

And in three weeks' time Humperdinck and Ruby were to be married.

Later that day Andy asked for Buttercup to visit him in his room. When she arrived she found Max present as well. Andy apologized for the indelicateness of the subject, but asked if she would answer a few questions concerning her infertility. After the initial shock of the question, she agreed. She had already consulted Max previously, and although he was unable to help he obviously had discussed the subject with Andy.

Questions followed regarding family history, health and diet. Andy examined her eyes, skin, tongue and fingers before consulting with Max. Max nodded and gestured Andy back to Buttercup. "I've done a bit of reading before that leads me to believe your problem is strictly dietary. When you moved to Inti your food source changed and you have a mineral deficiency." He went over to a shelf and dug around in a box, removing a bottle with a powder inside and gave it to her. "Use a small spoon of this in your food once a day and your minerals will be balanced again. The...ahem...rest is up to you."

As it turned out, Humperdinck's recounting of his adventure was more popular than he imagined. Although the first telling was to a small gathering, the size of the audience grew with each repeat. Two random guys named Walt and Craig attended multiple sessions, taking notes during each telling. The king extended his schedule to an entire week before finally finishing with the performances. He didn't mind and having Ruby along to help with the narration was just an added benefit.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

(Westley and Buttercup's home 11 months later)

Out on the water the _Revenge_ and a Guilder ship could be seen anchored in deeper water, while their landing boats were pulled up on the sand. A small crowd gathered on the beach around a freshly placed sign. Inigo and Fezzik stood back and checked it for straightness. It read:

AsUWish Island

Population: 2

Max walked up to the sign with a small bottle and pulled out a brush. With a few quick strokes he changed the '2' to a '3' and everyone cheered. "Now that's how you celebrate a birth!" he said.

"I'm really glad you could make it Sean," said Westley "I didn't know if you could get away from Escudo or not." Oddly enough, Sean wasn't wearing an eye patch on either eye.

"When I found out my brother was coming, I just had to tag along and join the party."

"Your BROTHER?!" several exclaimed at more or less the same time.

"So it would seem" explained Humperdinck. "When Ruby and I went on our grand tour of the kingdoms on the _Revenge_ , we stayed for a bit in Escudo of course. We had already noticed that his eye patch changed eyes from time to time, so we finally asked him to come clean. It turns out he's known he was my brother for some time. He pieced it together from bits and scraps of information over the years since he was adopted by the royal family after being found wandering on the edge of Primo. He considered Escudo home, so he pretended the eye injury to help cover his identity. Between that and the beard I never would have recognized him. He switched the patch to see if we'd notice; I admit we didn't figure it out until while we were on our way to Florin chasing Lowbrow. He was also interested to hear if I was the same type of person he had been hearing about. It would seem my reputation was a bit...tarnished. I managed to shine it up a bit by the time I met him."

"Hump here is not such a bad guy" said Sean. "I decided to claim him after all."

"But how could you prove that he was your missing brother?" asked Contessa. "It would be easy for anyone to make the claim."

"And they have" agreed Humperdinck. "It seems like I've had somebody make the claim every few years. But there is a fact only known to our family and physician." He nodded to Sean who started removing his right boot. "The family of Katz..."

"...has a six-toed kitten" finished Sean. And of a certainty there was Sean's right foot with six toes. "Of course my wife knows about it, but no one else in Escudo does." He replaced the boot. "Now that my brother is married I don't care who knows. He has his kingdom and I have mine. Works for me!"

"Tell me about it" chipped in Stephen. "When Garnet gets old enough I'm handing the crown to him and I'll be busy getting your guest towels dirty on MY travels."

"I don't doubt that all of you could stand out here and talk until the sun goes down, but can we at least move under the shade of the pavilion?" asked Buttercup. "Little Elaine shouldn't have too much sun so soon."

"Let me carry my namesake" said Governor Marley as she bundled the baby under the covering.

Off in the distance the island's monkeys could be heard still complaining about the arrival of the two ships. Bosen, who preferred the company of people over his own kind, hung around Contessa and Inigo while looking for any treats offered from the other guests.

"Too bad Andy didn't come" said Valerie, "but he is dearly afraid of being on the water. Maybe he just likes staying in Florin where Daffodil is."

"That girl?" said Max. "The way she chases after him I think he'd rather risk death at sea. I've never seen a man with a

[dice: walking cane]

move so fast."

As they made their way toward the tables where Greta was arranging platters loaded with food, Humperdinck took Inigo and Contessa aside for a moment. "Thank you again for giving me the _Revenge_ after she was redesigned by Greta and Contessa as a wedding present for Ruby and me."

Inigo kissed Contessa and replied to Humperdinck. "We're glad you like it; she's a good ship. Most of the crew stayed on when you offered to hire them, so all you needed was to move one of your captains over from your fleet. I think the captain of the _Zephyr_ enjoys helming a faster ship now."

"But now that the _Revenge_ is my ship, shouldn't I rename her?" he asked.

Inigo thought for a moment. "Considering how this whole adventure started, why not just change the name to _**Humperdinck's Revenge**_?"

" _I see you've finally come around on the kissing thing" said the grandfather with a twinkle in his eye. "I'm sure your girlfriend is happy about that."_

" _Yeah," said the grandson, "it's really not so bad when it's the right girl. But enough about me, the important thing is we're picking you up and taking you home tomorrow. Be ready to go!"_

 _The next day the grandson walked up to the nurses' station only to find it empty. In fact, he didn't see anybody about. His grandfather's room was empty as were many of the other rooms. He could hear someone talking down the hall and followed the voice. It sounded like his grandfather, and it was coming from the main activity room. He walked into the room and almost ran into a row of people sitting in chairs near the entrance. In fact there were several rows with people, some in regular chairs and some in wheelchairs. Even some of the staff were seated there. All were listening to his grandfather, who sat in a chair at the front facing the audience. He was reading from THE book, although in truth he wasn't even looking at the page but rather sneaking a look at the audience as he finished._

 _"...the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind. The End."_

 _He closed the book and the room broke out in applause. He raised his hand and continued. "This book was written by a great writer many generations ago and the same story has been passed down to be read in our family ever since. Today I go home, back to live with my son and daughter-in-law. However, if you've enjoyed the story perhaps my grandson can come and read his story of what happened to all those wonderful people after the book ended. What do you say kid?"_

 _The grandson was taken aback at the request. Many faces turned to look at him. Murmurs such as "Would you?", "There's more?", "I'll be here" and "Oh please" floated toward him. He looked at his grandfather, who caught his eye, smiled and shrugged in a mock "sorry about that" gesture. The grandson looked again at the faces and gave in. He gave them a solemn bow and said "As you wish."_

The End

 _..._

If you did NOT enjoy reading this story then you certainly will hate reading the following titles if we ever write them:

THIS OLD SHIP: A Seaworthy Makeover

-by Greta Petra and Contessa Montoya

HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE...And Then Take Their Money

-Miracle Max

GROW YOUR MUSCLES: The G.Y.M. Workout Book

-Fezzik Petra

THE ECONOMICS OF TRADE vs. PIRACY

-Westley Trulove

KINGDOMS FOR DUMMIES

-Humperdinck and Ruby Katz

KIDNAPPED: A Test of Courage

-Buttercup Trulove

SWORDPLAY: Weapons Guaranteed for Life...and Death

-Inigo Montoya

TALES FROM THE TREEHOUSE

-Various Authors

I LOVED AND LOST AND LOVED AND LOST AND LOVED AGAIN

-Daffodil Flowers

ONE HONEST DAY'S WORK A YEAR: The Amateur Everyman

-Stephen Amicitia

THE TREASURE OF TREASURELESS ISLAND

-Elaine Marley

 **A/N: Thank you, any readers who have made it to the end of our story. If you've enjoyed it, please feel free to either review or (if you prefer not to have your comments in public) private message about our first published collaborative story.**

 **Audiobook definitely NOT available.**


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: Don't you just love when you find something that wasn't there before, or was hidden and you stumbled upon it purposefully or on accident? Here's a little something extra. This was NOT in the Grandson's binder. Think of it as a hidden musical track or buried treasure. Or that special spoon you lost 5 years ago and gave up on that suddenly appeared in the silverware drawer again.  
**

* * *

Fezzik straightened up and stretched his back while Inigo came around from the other side of the beam and did the same. Rebuilding the blacksmith shop was hard work, but the ability to do so from the ground up gave them the chance to make it just the way they wanted. They wiped their brow and took a drink of water from a barrel set nearby. The shop was going to be bigger and better than before, with plenty of space for Inigo to set up his sword forge. In a handful of days the walls would be up and then it was a matter of finishing the inside and putting on the roof; hopefully something a bit fireproof, Fezzik thought.

As they contemplated their work in progress, a figure strolled down the street from the town to meet them. Even from a distance Fezzik could tell it was Staf, the traveling bard that roamed Haypenne singing his songs and bringing news from other parts in exchange for food and drink. Staf walked purposely up to Fezzik and Inigo, bowed and laid his mandolin at Fezzik's feet.

Puzzled, Fezzik and Inigo looked at each other and then back at Staf.

"I Staf do hereby lay down my profession and livelihood in atonement for past deeds."

"Really Staf, your music couldn't have been that bad" Inigo said.

"No, he is quite good actually" Fezzik said. "The people seem to enjoy his performances. What are you talking about Staf?"

Staf, seemingly lost without his constant musical companion that now lay on the ground, stammered. "I have done things of which I am not proud" he managed to get out.

"Yes, but what?" Inigo prodded.

"Bad things" Staf added.

"WHAT THINGS?" Fezzik roared. He did it more for effect than anything; he was enjoying the break from work anyway.

"It…I…well…I'm the one that informed Humperdinck where you could be found. That allowed him to burn down your shop."

"You?" Fezzik wasn't convinced.

"Yes. I passed on the information to a courier to be given to Captain Tu who passed the information on to King Humperkinck. I was responsible for the burning of your shop." Staf truly seemed reticent about the fact.

"Of course Fezzik, it makes perfect sense" said Inigo. "Don't you see? Who would be in a better position to gather information and pass it on than someone who travels the country, whose public job is to do just that anyway? You told me he was the one that solved the mystery of the missing Rosetta. Tu's spy is a musician."

"The other way around, actually" Staf went on. "I was already a bard when I was recruited by Tu. I am a man of small pockets, but aside from food and drink I have need of clothes and strings for my instrument. A few extra coins passing on information seemed harmless enough; I didn't know it would lead to the loss of your livelihood. For that I must atone."

As he waited for a verdict, Fezzik and Inigo conferred. At last Fezzik confronted Staf. "I can forgive you what you have done because you didn't know what the consequences would be. However, to ease your conscience you are hereby convicted of spying and sentenced to hard labor…alongside us. You shall stay at my house and eat at my table until such time as the shop is rebuilt."

Inigo leaned over and whispered to Fezzik. He continued "And during that time, I shall require the occasional tune upon request to entertain in the evening before bed. Keep your instrument and your performance in good working order until you are released."

Staf beamed. "I could ask for no fairer sentence than that. Let me set my instrument safely aside and I shall join you in your toil."

And shortly afterward the three set about their work, with a humming Staf providing music to ease their efforts.

The End of the End


End file.
